The original post: /r/ohnoconsequences by /u/GamerGirlLex77 on 2025-06-10 14:49:22.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/umieranie. She posted in r/relationship_advice .
Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 u/Choice_Evidence1983 and u/MsDutchie for letting me know about the update.
Previous BORU here. **New Update marked with *******
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.
Trigger Warning: verbal abuse
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: June 29, 2024
I (23F) am engaged to John (24M). We are together for 5 years. We want to get married in july 2025. I always thought that his family liked me because we get along well. He has two older brothers (26M,29M), both married. Honestly, I was very excited to have them all as my in laws. They were always kind to me.
Some kind of important information: About a year ago when I was scrolling on instagram I saw a profile that was kind of cringy but in a cute way. It was an older woman’s profile who shared inspirational quotes. I remember one particular post and it was something in the lines of „Only stupid people pretend to know everything. Don’t pretend. Just ask”. Honestly this quote changed me in a lot of ways. Before that I was always worried that I might embarrass myself if I don’t know something and after reading that quote I realized that if I always pretend that I know everything then I’ll miss out on actually getting to learn about things. So I decided to change my habits and start admitting that sometimes I genuinely don’t know. Someone is talking about the war in Kosovo? Okay sure but first let me ask some questions so I can really understand what we’re talking about. And I ask a lot of questions sometimes.
I sometimes even open the notes app and write in some questions that I later want to find answers to. These are my latest:
- How does the time work in the black hole?
- Why some snails have shells and others don’t????
- What food is okay for ducks?
- How does the light bulb work (the old ones with gas inside them)?
- Does everyone see colours the same? and How can we know that??
Sorry for the long introduction, but it was kind of necessary for understanding what kind of person I am. I know that sometimes I might come across as annoying.
Now onto the problem: his parents hosted a small barbecue last weekend only for the family. So it was the mom (54F), dad (59M), brothers (26M, 29M) and their wives (27F, 27F). I was the last person who showed up because I had to work late. I entered the house and when I was walking towards the back of the house into the backyard I heard John’s mom talking about me. To be honest she wasn’t talking about me, more like mocking me. I heard her say in a high pitched voice „How does the sun work? Where should I put the fork? Why does nobody like me? How do I wipe my ass?”. I just stood there. I had this sinking feeling. I couldn’t move, so I just stood there. And I heard them all laughing. One of the wives said „I actually don’t mind her always asking questions. I think it’s cute” and it made me feel hopeful that they will say something like „yeah sure we’re just playing, we love that”. But none of them did. Instead the mom replied „It’s not cute. She’s just stupid.” After that they laughed again. I heard John laughing. My heart kind of broke in that moment because he didn’t even say one positive thing. He didn’t defend me. He just laughed. I quietly turned around and left the house. I texted John that I got sick and have to stay home. Now I’m wondering how should I approach this situation.
We live together and I sleep in the guest bedroom for now and I use the excuse that I don’t want him to get sick from being around me. I can’t ignore him forever and I can’t pretend to be sick anymore, because it’s been too long.
I’m not sure how do i proceed. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. I’m considering talking to them about this, but I’m also worried that they won’t be honest with me. I can’t marry him if he really thinks I’m stupid. But I also can’t marry into a family who think so little of me. But maybe it was a joke and I shouldn’t take it so seriously… I’m so torn apart and everyday I convince myself a bit more that it’s okay and sometimes we should all laugh about ourselves. Now i feel like i’m just going crazy. I would really appreciate some advice.
Tldr; Overheard future MIL calling me stupid and my fiancé laughed. Considering leaving him. I’m wondering if it might be just a joke and maybe a misunderstanding. Need advice on how to navigate the situation.
EDIT: There are many comments saying that they cannot stand people like me. I agree that sometimes I can be a bit too much with the questions, but with that being said I still think I’m within reason. I don’t do it around people I just met, I rarely do it at parties or other gatherings. I usually do it with people who are close to me - who I think wouldn’t judge me or with people who specifically have knowledge about something and are willing to share it. If Im a part of a conversation - I’m not rude and i’m not interrupting, I usually just ask one or two questions. If a discussion is about the climate change I’m not asking about monkeys if you know what I’m saying. I’m also not a complete dumbass. I don’t ask questions which generally would be considered dumb to other people. Those I just write in the notes and check answers later in the internet. I’m capable of reading so I make good use of it. But after all I still do ask questions a lot.
Update Post: July 2, 2024 (3 days later)
First of all, I wanted to say thank you to people who reached out to answer my questions about black holes, snails, ducks, light bulbs and other stuff. I would love to have you as my friends.
For the other people who said I should just shut up - I don’t really care if you find me annoying or hard to be around. I’m okay with that. I don’t exist to please everyone. I’m just here for a good time, have my own interests and learn.
I didn’t expect my post to gain so much attention but I’m so grateful for the advice. Most of you told me to break up with him and at the very least confront him, so that’s what I decided to do. You gave me a push and confidence to do it.
But before I did that, I texted the wife of John’s brother, the one who said she liked me asking questions. I asked if we can meet up for coffee. She said sure.
We met and I didn’t see the point in pretending to her that I didn’t hear their conversation. So after some small talk I just said „I heard you all talking about me during the bbq”. She immediately got sad and said she feels embarrassed. She explained that it wasn’t a joke, wasn’t out of context, that it was just mean and hurtful. She said she’s sorry for not defending me more, but I said that’s it’s okay and I understand. I told her that I don’t blame her for anything, and just wanted to make sure that I understand the situation and see it for what it really was.. And it really was laughing about me behind my back. Just bullying.
At this point I just had to confront John. In my last post so many comments were saying that he will probably try gaslighting me. And you were right.
We were having dinner together for the first time since the bbq happened, because before I tried my best to avoid him. (Yes, I know, not very mature of me, but other than you guys I don’t really have a strong support system. My family and best friends are hundreds of kilometers away. I only have two good friends here) I was so stressed I thought I’m going to pass out. My legs were shaking and I was terrified because I knew deep down that this is the moment when my five year relationship goes down the drain.
I looked him in the eyes and asked „How does the sun work?”. He looked confused, so I followed with „Where should I put my fork? Why does nobody like me?” At this point realization hit him and he started nervously laughing. I said I was there and I heard them. After the initial shock passed, he got mad. He said its rude to eavesdrop. I said it’s rude to bully people.
He tried telling me that it was just a joke. That I shouldn’t be so uptight. That it really was funny. I said that I didn’t find it funny and went to the guest to calm down. He started panicking. He was asking me to please talk to him. He was much more apologetic and said that he will be 100% honest with me. I asked if his mother made similar comments before the bbq. He said yes. I asked him if he ever defended me. He said he tries to. I don’t know if I believe him. He told me he loves me and respects me. I don’t know if I believe it either.
I said that I love him too, but I need a break. He’s all I ever known. He was my first and only partner. I have no outside perspective of this, I have no experience. I need a moment to think. I will be going to my friends house for a while to think everything through. The apartment has his name on the...
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