The original post: /r/ohnoconsequences by /u/GamerGirlLex77 on 2025-04-08 16:44:26.
I am NOT the OOP. OOP is u/Even-Breath9368 on r/AITAH.
TW: parentification and emotional/verbal abuse
Status: Concluded as per OOP.
Original: July 18, 2024
Update: August 9, 2024 (22 days later)
AITA for moving out after my mom announced her pregnancy?
I'm 22F, my mom is 37, and I have 3 younger siblings F14, F7 and M4. Me and the 2nd oldest have different dads from each other and the other 2. They and this upcoming baby all have the same dad, our stepdad. I'm sorry if that was confusing. There are 3 dads in total but only our stepdad is involved now.
I was the babysitter and "mom" growing up. When my sister was born I magically became mom despite not even being double digits. When the others came I still was mom. I didn't get to have fun, go out, or be a kid. My job in the house was to cook, clean, raise my siblings and deal with our mom. She was incredibly immature growing up and loved to drink, party, spend money on luxuries and not be a mom. She acts more like a mom now but a lot of the work still falls on me. She robbed my of my childhood and I'm very bitter about it. The only reason I lived at home for so long was because no one would/could take me in and I felt that I could tolerate it all for free rent and food. It was a good deal for me then, but I'm 22 now. I'm done being a mom when I don't even have kids.
Last year my stepdad's parents died in a car accident and as their only child he got everything. We all moved into their home and got a bit of money under our belts so I guess they decided to have a baby. When my mom announced it I asked if she was serious. She confirmed and asked me if I still had my diaper changing skills as a joke. I was silently livid. I dryly laughed and found some roommates online that night. The thought of wasting another 10+ years raising my siblings sounded like Hell.
She found out that I'm planning on leaving come August and now she's irate calling me every name under the sun and selfish. She got my siblings involved and the youngest is crying asking why I don't love them anymore and why I'm leaving. It's really low to use kids like that and it hurts. I don't want to stay but I don't want them to cry. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself but is it the right thing for them? My mom never really parented growing up. She wouldn't, so I took over that role. I was the one who changed diapers and taught them their ABCs and all that. I was the one who cooked dinner and bathed them. I look at none of my siblings as siblings but as my own kids because that's what they basically are. I don't think she'll be able to do a good job. She and my stepdad rely on me heavily in that category.
AITA for leaving? I need advice on how to get over this feeling and move on.
Edit: holy shit this kind of blew up when I wasn't expecting it to. Thanks everyone for the kind messages. You all are right, I need to go. My mom and stepdad need to figure it out. I'm going to talk to all 3 of my siblings and explain that me leaving is normal and a good thing. I'll always be a phone call away. I'm most worried about my 14yo sister though and will not hesitate to get authorities involved if I suspect she's going through what I went through or she tells me herself. I'll be giving her a different type of talk soon to try and prevent her from becoming the new mom.
Thanks everyone :) If I update again it'll be after I've already moved out. I really appreciate your guys' support. It's giving me the strength to do what's right even if it's hurting. My mom and stepdad can hire a babysitter with his inheritance if they really can't do it.
Relevant Comments (and OOP's response to them):
Angstycarroteater: No leave now… it’s getting way manipulative and your mom seems like the queen of making poor choices as it is. Like Jesus. Run for you life remain in contact with your siblings but it’s not your obligation to be a mother to your moms kids.
Edit: You need to point out it’s time for her to grow the fuck up and be a parent that by the sound of it you never had.
OOP: I agree with her being the queen of bad decisions. When I was born I could excuse it because she was so young and needed guidance. My grandparents (her parents) were permissive and let her do whatever she wanted with little to no consequences. It was really fun when I was a kid kid because, well, no rules. I moved a lot growing up into her boyfriends houses and stayed with her friends frequently when she went out to party. Eventually, as you might expect, I learned that that wasn’t fun and that I wanted my mom. I would cry and she’d push me aside because she just didn’t want to be a parent.
She’s doing a lot more now like I said in my post but it’s obvious she has no idea what kids are really like. She sees them sort of as decoration because they were always shoved at me. She knows she’s going to have a world of Hell waiting for her once I’m gone.
Gonebabythoughts: You tell the kids "I love you in my heart, no matter what, always." And you leave because you deserve a life that is not being a domestic servant to your mother's failed birth control philosophy.
You being parentified at such a young age is a form of abuse. Sit down with your 14F sister and explain what happened to you, and that she can't let it happen to her. Your mom will come after her next.
It would be a very good idea to get a therapist to help you reframe exactly how badly you have been treated and why you need to leave. You can't help the other kids, really, until you help yourself first.
OOP: I thought about my sister a lot as well which is what makes this so hard. I took the brunt of everything so she wouldn’t have to. I wanted her to be a kid. 14 is way too early to be a parent and I know that that’s what will happen to her. I know that she’ll just do what she’s told and she’s responsible enough to realize when things aren’t working and she’ll try to fix them herself and fall into that trap.
I don’t know how to have that conversation with her without my household exploding but I know that it needs to be done. My two little siblings have just been crying and crying thinking that I’m never coming back. Even though I tell them that I’ll come visit, my mom keeps telling them that I’m never coming back and abandoning the family.
Verdict: Not The Asshole
UPDATE Aita for moving out after my mom announced her pregnancy?
Hello everyone! I just want to say thank you again for your kind words and encouragement. You have no idea what they meant to me. I moved out and everything is going fine. My mom and step dad blocked me but my 14 yo sister is so far doing fine. I talked to all my siblings individually but it was rough in more ways than one. I had an explosive argument with my mom the day I left but that was to be expected. She said nothing new. She called me selfish, a brat, a terrible daughter, and said that she wished she had aborted me. Nothing I haven't heard before.
About a week or so before I moved out I stopped doing most of the things I did before. My parents freaked out and we had a lot of arguments but I'm happy it's over with. Every time they saw me a comment was said either to my face or under their breath. My mom would act like I was invisible and talk shit about me to whoever was around. She filled my siblings heads up with bullshit and I was incredibly stressed about it. I actually considered staying at that point. I was very close to just staying home, which I know will disappoint you all, but I almost did. This wasn't an easy transition for my siblings and they're small. It hurt so bad watching them get wrapped up in all of this. My parents had no idea how to do anything for some reason. They had no patience and couldn't get the kids to listen to them. I know they didn't have much experience in childcare but they were acting brand new. I had a really hard time watching them struggle and watching my siblings suffer because of it. I felt fucking horrible and like I was neglecting them. School is also coming up very soon and I used to always get them together so that's going to be an upcoming problem. I'm happy that I won't be around for that but I'm sad that I won't be. My little brother will be a kindergartener and my sister will be a freshman in high school. Those are huge milestones I wanted to be around for.
But, on the bright side, my sister is playing the incompetence card all on her own and I love her for it. After our conversation about not turning out like me, she told me she'll pretend not to know how until mom stops asking her which hasn't happened yet. Apparently mom asks her to cook, wash the kids, get them dressed etc. Little gateway things that will spiral into her being the new mom. I'm proud of her for sticking to her plan for the few weeks that she has. She's a lot stronger than I thought she was. I really thought that I'd have to drill it into her to not do anything but she's doing a lot better than expected. I just hope she doesn't crumble under the pressure. I know it's hard. In order to visit I have to be welcomed back into the house but that isn't going well since I'm blocked. I don't want my sister being the middle ma...
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