The original post: /r/amitheasshole by /u/ObligationEasy1987 on 2025-04-06 02:28:42.
Me, 44M, work from home and am fortunate enough to earn enough for my wife, 43F, not need to work. I'd love it if she could find a job but it's not easy as we live in a foreign country and employment is tough. She hasn't worked for 10 years and has given up on looking for a job -- to be clear, I'm fine with that (honestly even proud that I can support us both).
I work 10-12hrs per day from home and I am the one cooking, going grocery shopping, taking out the trash and also participate in the house cleaning (mainly the vacuuming part). My wife handles the dish washing, laundry and feeding the pets. I don't want to sound chauvinistic but it's hard to ignore the time I need to invest in a week on work, cooking, shopping, etc, versus the time she puts in doing chores that basically rely on a machine doing the heavy lifting and/or take only a few minutes a day.
I'm finding it hard to even get "me" time for my hobbies and to unplug. I work from 9am to 7pm sometimes later, after which I start cooking, eat and then it's basically bed time. During the day if we need groceries, I use my lunch hour to dash to the supermarket and get whatever we need. I might get about 1-2h or potential me time but it's frustrating that time only comes at the tail end of the day right before bed when all my energy is gone.
Lately I've tried talking about it because I don't think this is fair; all I ask is that since she is not working that she cooks more, gets groceries now and again and helps me so I can also enjoy a proper weekend.
She says I "sound like Andrew Tate" or "like a toxic alpha male".
Mind you, I love cooking and I believe we should SHARE chores; I just don't feel like we are sharing. I feel like I do 70% of the work. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm looking to understand what others think about this situation as maybe I am wrong. In my mind, if I'm working this hard to support us, cooking, buying the food, etc, and she is basically only needing to load ad unload a dishwasher & a laundry machine, this is not balance. Her not working is not my fault and I've told her she doesn't need to work unless she wants to but at the same time, if she decided not to work and not even look for a job, I believe she should reciprocate through support (physical and emotional).
TL;DR: My wife has not worked or looked for a job for the last 10 years. I work 10-12h and also cook, clean, buy groceries and take out the trash. My weekends don't feel like weekends and I'm getting tired so I've pushed back and asked for balance. We talked about it recently and wife hinted at my behaviour being toxic like Andrew Tate or whatever other figure heads that portray males as superior to females. I disagree, I just want a fair split of effort since this is taking its toll and I don't feel like I have enough time for myself and unwind.