this post was submitted on 15 Mar 2025
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I'm about to start my 12 week paternity leave next week thanks to a state program and almost everyone that I've told has had their jaws on the floor that I would even want to do that.

Today I witnessed a group of coworkers almost bragging how little time they took after their kids were born. I've heard stuff like "Most men are hard working and want to support their families so they don't take leave".

To me it was a no brainer, I'm getting ~85% of my normal pay and I get to take care of my wife, our son and our newborn for 3 whole months. and for someone who hasn't taken a day breathe in the past 3 years I think I deserve it.

I'm in the US so I know it's a "strange" concept, but people have seemed genuinely upset, people it doesn't affect at all. Again, it's a state program available to almost anyone who's worked in the past 2 years, I've talked to soon to be dads who scoffed at the idea and were happy to use a week of pto and that's it.

I feel like I'm missing something.

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 hour ago

I’m all for paternity leave, but there is a conflict between taking time off to take care of your newborn, and taking time off to breathe.

Newborns aren’t exactly a vacation.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 hours ago

So basically, the choice is to spend 12 weeks with those idiots or with your baby? Seems like a no brainer to me.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 hours ago

I WISH my husband had been able to take time off. Those first few weeks of sleep deprivation are fucking ROUGH on your own. I think you did the right thing and that the child is going to get dramatically better care because his parents are actually sonewhat rested.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 hours ago

In the U.S. we're taught to brag about how much we're exploited, as if it's a virtue.

It's a very sick culture.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 hours ago

Am American. Would take every day of it. Would come back and laugh at them when they picked on me for it, while calling them idiots for not taking advantage of the opportunity. "Have fun talking yourselves out of regret, losers."

[–] [email protected] 28 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

People are idiots. Why would you give up a benefit you're legally entitled to? Nobody is going to as much as thank you for that.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago

In the US fathers don't have any legal right to take time off from work. It's expected that you would miss at most a few days for the hospital visit.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 5 hours ago

Come to the EU, noone will scoff at paternity leave here. On the contrary, colleagues will congratulate you for procreating lol

[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

@neomachino,

You will never get the time back to be with your offspring during these formative months into years. I would scoff at any "scoffers" and tell them their bragging about not taking time off to be with their family isn't the flex they think it is. Life is more than just your occupation. I'm an American living in the Netherlands with my Dutch wife these days, and I can guarantee with certainty my European colleagues would scoff at me if I didn't take the time off. Attitudes towards this are changing in the U.S., albeit too slowly in my opinion, but our culture is fundamentally sick. I primarily blame puritanical christian zealotry that made its pact with the devil (pun fully intended) with avaricious capital for much of the woes found in our society, for what its worth. The gods willing, this will die out in a few generations.

Take the time and cherish it; your future self and children will thank you.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 hours ago

Their logic is from a POV of they dont get the benefit since they aren't expecting parents or didn't get that benefit if/when they wer, so why should anyone else. When really the proper evolved response is to be happy that new trends are being set and we're improving the cruel system that keeps new parents from critically important family time.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

You are experiencing gender based persecution. Think of men who can't be a stay at home dad, work as a nurse, or can't show emotion, etc. Women who want to do construction work or STEM. LGBT and especially trans discrimination is also that taken to an extreme because the perceived gender divergence is more drastic. For whatever reason, there are many people in society who want to enforce strict artificial gender roles on other people.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 56 minutes ago

My wife said something like "the patriarchy hurts everyone, men included" and everything made a lot more sense.

[–] Bronzie 7 points 5 hours ago

My man, you are literally getting paid to spend time with a tiny human being you helped make. You’d have to be pretty deep into the Kool-aid bottle to say no to that.

I had my mandatory 15 weeks last year and loved it, so from one dad to another: enjoy it!

And remember: if you die tomorrow, you’ll be replaced at work within a few weeks, but you can never ever be replaced at home.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

What you're missing is some men legitimately hate their wives and children and dislike spending time with them. Others drank the coolaid of American capitalist propaganda. Your child will only be a newborn once and your wife will need the help. If anything you should be normalizing it by telling all your friends and colleagues how great it is and how happy you are to get to spend that time with your family. Never shut up about how awesome it is. Expound at length about the many benefits you personally enjoyed thanks to your time with your new child. Every man you convince makes the world a better place.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 hours ago

When I was born my dad worked for himself, he was never home and I can remember running away from him crying cause my mum was leaving the house. He found permanent employment by the time I was 2 because of this.

These men are fuckwits and will wonder why they don’t have or struggle to form a relationship with their children in later life.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 hours ago (2 children)

If you hate her why would you marry or have kids with her? Its completely optional to have a wife or child.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago

I guess because people fall in and out of love, which is natural, so they start a family and later everything changes. Also because people's personality changes with time and because they tend to conform to social expectations.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago

Social pressure. "When are you getting married? When are you having kids?"

For some people, that's enough to push them into doing it.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 hours ago

Take the full 12 weeks - you’ll never regret it. Superhero dads are there for their wife and children. You’re doing the right thing.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 hours ago

You are missing better coworkers, or coworkers who haven't succumbed to the stupid idea that working yourself to the bone for someone else's profit is good.

"Men are hard working" my ass. Taking care of kids is hard work and if they can't understand that, their social conditioning worked exactly as expected.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 hours ago

I had 12 months of paternity leave, 11 paid. I dig it.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 9 hours ago

You’re the smart one. Fuck the haters. Ignore them.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 hours ago

I always thought it should be even between both parents, along with a staggered return to work at the end. So ideally you can have parents then working mostly alternate days for a few weeks before a full return to work. And the employer shouldn't be allowed to have any say in it because otherwise its inevitable that pressure is put on you not to take it.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 8 hours ago

Those first few months, especially with your first kid… man. The sleep deprivation alone makes it worth it. Not to mention all the firsts that happen so fast that you’ll otherwise miss… presumably to work for “the man.”

Am American, but been lucky enough to work with people who understand this, and maxed out all paternity leave I could get.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 hours ago

Ignore them. If you can, should you try and stagger the time off with your s/o. Don't take it at the same time.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

Pretty sure THEY are the ones missing something. They've been brainwashed into thinking you should be embarrassed NOT to shun your family so you can be at work 24/7 to make someone else rich. Take advantage of that program while it still exists.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 hours ago

It's the typical toxic corporate pressure.

Fuck machismo.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 hours ago

Fuck those people dude. When it comes to children. The days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy the time you have with them when they are little and don't miss out on all those amazing moments. I took 12 weeks with my kid and it was wonderful to just watch her grow. Take benefits where you can, fuck the haters.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 hours ago

First of all dont tell your coworkers shit. It almost always becomes ammo for them later.

Definitely take advantage of every state program you can. You paid for it already. People talkin shit are fuckin smoothbrained trogs

[–] [email protected] 13 points 11 hours ago

Enjoy it. A great number of people in the US have been conditioned to tie up their sense of worth to their job, and can’t comprehend there’s more to life.

I’d take 12 years paternity leave if I could.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I came into this thread thinking I'd just post "Uhh, it was pretty nice?"

Then I read the post text. Jesus fuck.

The other comments are probably right, no real point in doing anything but ignoring them. But goddamn, my first instinct would be to try and call them out on that bullshit attitude. No way am I clever enough to do it effectively, though.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 hour ago

I did call them out a bit. The thing that broke me was when I said something like "I provide a lot more than financial support. I cook, clean, change diapers etc.." And I saw the group split between the guys who do that stuff and those who don't.

It made me sad, a lot of these guys are only a few years older than me and can't really blame it on "how things used to be". I felt like I was in the 50s or something and I needed to check if the bathrooms were segregated. I've never seen such ignorant toxic masculinity in real life, and I used to work in construction 10 years ago.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

My main thought on paternity leave is that it should be exactly the same as the maternity leave so that there is no difference between hiring a man or a woman.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 hours ago (2 children)

This or eventually give a total amount to the couple and let them decide to split according to their needs (with a minum each partner, maybe).

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 hour ago

That's how it works in Canada. There's a set amount given to the parent giving birth, then the rest can be split however you want.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 5 hours ago

Downside there is the company can then try and pressure one of them, usually the man, into not taking much/any.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 13 hours ago

Any man that thinks work is more important than spending time with the family is a bad father. I say this as the son of a bad father.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 14 hours ago

It is a no brainer dude. Absolutely take the leave. You know how the work culture is here in the US, it's pretty ridiculous. The "Live to Work" crowd is getting pretty old now though so I have seen a shift in corporate culture where I am at.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 16 hours ago

It's just hyperbolic masculine capitalism being parroted. Live in the U.S. south and have dealt with many friends and their relatives who have said the same shit. I've been around long enough to see those same people completely fall apart when the lives at home just crumble because they're too busy with work (illness, deaths in family, etc). They always eventually come to regret the decisions and times they've missed once they get in their later years.

There's nothing wrong with choosing to prioritize a work career in one's life though, but hating on someone else's choice is just ridiculous.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 15 hours ago

Work is something I do, not who I am.

Americans have been indoctrinated to feel their work is their worth.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 14 hours ago

When my daughter was born, I was blown away to find that my company offered 16 weeks paternity leave. A couple of weeks before my wife was due, I was talking to a coworker and found that his wife was also pregnant, but he didn't know about our company's parental leave policy. He had only been planning to take a couple of weeks. After we talked I found out he took the whole thing.

That four months was one of the greatest times of my life, getting to know my newborn daughter.

Three years later I was in a different job when my son was born. They offered three days. Six months later I found a new job, and I took an extra month off during the transition, just so I could spend every day with my son.

I don't regret any of that. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I love my children and love being a dad. This is life. This is all we get.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

What moron would pass up on 85% paid leave??

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 hours ago

Furlough was such a sweet deal during the covid lockdowns. Like 80% pay and no work? Sign me up!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 hours ago

I'm fortunate to work at a place that offers some leave for paternity, but with the option of being "flexible" about it. I've seen most of my coworkers take off for 2-4 weeks (out of 6), then return to work half time or so once things start settling. Two have taken all 6 weeks, one for medical reasons (baby needed follow up), and one purely to spend more time with baby/wife.

I haven't needed paternity leave, so I don't know how much more money you get for returning to work early, but I think I'm inclined towards taking 3 weeks, then coming back to work unless there's something wrong. There's a bunch to admire about prioritizing your time bonding over money, and I don't want to take anything away from that - it's just not me.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 15 hours ago

Life at home would have to be pretty bad for me to rather be at work.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 15 hours ago

I have four kids and I took ~6 weeks of paternity leave for each of them (which was in my contract—I’m an Episcopal priest, though I still went in on Sundays because I was going to go to church regardless so I might as well lead services and save the parish money on paying what we call a “supply priest”). It’s absolutely worth it and don’t let anyone make you feel weird about it. You’re doing a great thing for your partner and child—as well as yourself. Babies are a lot of work for dads as well! Acting like dads don’t need paternity leave is a form of patriarchy.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago)

I don't think you're missing anything. I think that your co-workers bragging is one of the toxic effects of how we tend to think about productivity nowadays, especially in America. I think that there's a tendency to glorify suffering (i.e. sacrificing time with your family to do so much work that by the time you get home to your family, you're too exhausted to be fully present with them).

I know fathers who effectively didn't have a choice about spending time with their newborns, because of a mixture of social pressures (especially gendered pressure from extended family) and financial pressure (such as not having access to paternity leave), who then go on to brag about how much they worked and sacrificed, framing it as if it's a choice they're glad they made. I think that for some people, this nonsense rhetoric is what they tell themselves to cope with the fact they were effectively coerced into something they regret.

Long story short, you're not missing anything. You are, in some ways though, going against the grain: even in places that have paid paternity leave, that alone isn't enough to change the tide of social attitudes. That change happens because of people like you who go "fuck this nonsense, I'm not making a martyr of myself to support my family when I can do a much better job supporting them if I'm there with them".

Unfortunately, based on reports from friends who are fathers, this is just scratching the surface of people being weird about men who are enthusiastic and engaged fathers. It sounds like you've got your priorities in order though. Your coworkers are very silly, and even if you don't feel it appropriate or necessary to tell them how absurd they are, you should at least internalise the fact that you are the sensible one here. An analogy that comes to mind is how, if your employer matches your 401k contributions, it's a no-brainer to take advantage of what is basically free money. If someone has "spare" salary and asked for financial advice online, one of the first and most basic suggestions is often that if you're not already taking advantage of any 401k match your employer offers, you definitely should be. It's free money! Similarly, taking advantage of the paid paternity leave is a no-brainer. This isn't a challenge run in a video-game, so there aren't any prizes for making things needlessly harder for oneself.

Edit: Also, I bloody hate it when people say shit like this:

"Most men are hard working and want to support their families so they don't take leave".

The subtext they're saying here is "I don't acknowledge parenting (and other caring labour) as being hard work, and I certainly don't acknowledge how critical essential this labour is for the world to function. I assume that this work is primarily for women, because this allows me to ignore it and the people who do it, which allows me to feel more important. The only way I can maintain my self identity as 'hardworking' is if I implicitly demean others' hard work".

It's bullshit, and your instincts are right to flag this shit as weird. Parenting is bloody difficult, and anyone who makes comments like this are actively reinforcing old systems that led to many fathers not being given the opportunity to be active fathers.

Anyway, rant finished. I'll finish this edit with something I forgot to say in my main comment: congratulations, and good luck in the weeks to come. And well done on taking this paternity leave, because that helps to disrupt the existing, outdated systems of traditional family structure that make everyone miserable. The impact of one person's choice is only small, but if enough people opt for their family over slaving over the altar of capitalism, I hope that we can build a world where a father wanting to actively be a father is treated like the normal thing it is.

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