Share a story, ask a question, or start a conversation about (almost) anything you desire. Maybe you'll make some friends in the process.
RULES
Casual conversation communities:
Related discussion-focused communities
This is going to seem trite but it's not meant to, it's a real attempt to help.
Have you considered going to church?
Around 100 members (including kids) is a pretty good size; enough for variety and interaction, but not so many you get lost in the crowd.
They are there trying to be friends with each other, to be a family. It can be good.
Join a club or organization or volunteer somewhere. It has to be in person and you have to go even if at first you aren't comfortable.
All the friends people make at school are happy accidents of proximity and chance. Same with coworker friends. You have to make some luck for yourself, put yourself in situations where you will regularly see the same people and get to know them through what you are doing.
Also, don't focus on romance, focus on friendship. Romance will come naturally - not forced.
I know this does not come easy for most people in your situation. It feels stupid and awkward but chance and circumstances play a huge role in making friends.
Good advice, but from personal experience, romance does not come naturally.
I know that it's not true for some people, but many people want love more than they want friends, and their constant seeking love cause otherwise simple friendships to get awkward and fizzle out.
I'm sick of hearing this dumb advice tbh
What’s dumb about it?
Many can't do it. Plus is not a guaranteed solution
Buddy, I hate to say it but there is no guaranteed solution. This advice is the best bet without knowing your life story. Do what works for you, but don't give up and try different things, even things that are hard or scary.
The biggest is living in a sparsely populated area without good (or at times, any) transportation options. Add in money and solitary-or-niche hobbies for good measure.
There is also probably a point to be made about not having previous luck with friends in school, or romance not once ever coming naturally.
Well we can be all lonely, here, TOGETHER! 🤗
🥲
ITT: Bunch of assholes telling you "have you tried to NOT having a cold" when your nose is clearly leaking.
If you don't understand how it feels to be lonely, any advice you give is awful and full of entitlement.
Maybe it's just my own bias, but I assumed the advice comes from people who have been or are lonely, and are talking about what helped them.
The worst depths of loneliness I've had were when I lived in a country where I didn't speak the language well, and was in a tiny, tiny town. The way I got out of it was threefold. One was being kinder to myself. I indulged myself in just being alone. Watching movies on my laptop and trying my hand at creative writing, which I had always wanted to do, but hadn't done. The second was getting into better physical shape. Even half assing it made me feel better: I'm a biologist so I can attest to the fact that one's mental health improves with a little healthier physical body, if it's possible. Finally...I just had to be comfortable being awkward. I was the bizarre foreigner who didn't understand customs or the language, and even when I had assholes being kind of a jerk... Whatever! I just did my thing, went to social events as regularly as I could stomach (once a week ish), and was surprised at how after a month or so, things really did turn around. I found asking questions to be a way to get to know people and places. Other people love to talk and answer questions, even when you didn't ask a question: as we've all seen in this thread.
None of that is to say it will work for everyone, or even anyone else.... But I understand the pain of loneliness. So if sharing my experience can help anyone, please grant me some leniency if I'm being a tone deaf jerk, because that's not my intent!
It's true that I know most most of advices from this thread. I'm also know that I should to use them, and I try but it's hard IRL. Sometimes I just break up like today and every answer to me is like getting in contact with some human. Satisfy some social need idk
Well here's another reply from a human. I saw your post, you're not alone.
I understand, sometimes you just need to scream and rant. It is a good thing.
When I get anxiety this hard, I usually take a very long walk until I get exhausted, so I could think for myself instead of hearing my subconscious how awful things are.
After taking a break, you'll notice that this voice is always emotional, with 0 logic, full of exaggerated negativity, and will try to convince you that "this is how you die today", which is pretty much bullshit and incredibly unrealistic. For me at least, that voice will always try focus on the worst in people. When I feel alone is pretty much this.
Sometimes I get a crazy though like telling me "you're done, dead, there is no going back" for something so trivial as remembering I have to take the dog out tomorrow (not now or yesterday, tomorrow). There is no win unless you ignore it and push through. And even if you commit, it's still fucking hard.
In the ADHD community, a lot of sound advice for building good habits and coping mechanisms overlaps a lot with "just don't have ADHD" advice because the advice still works, even if it's significantly harder to pull off with ADHD.
There's less overlap for depression, but there still is some between sound advice and "just don't be sad lol".
I'm sure there's some overlap in this case for lonliness.
One of the tough things about this stuff is that it is very easy to convince yourself that nobody understands what you're going through, so when you don't see immediate results from advice that means they're just wrong and there's nothing you can do. The most important piece of advice is to never give up.
All that said, if everyone in this thread is giving bad advice that shows they don't understand, you're implying that you do understand. So where's your advice?
Or did you just comment to discourage people from trying to help and leave OP to suffer?
Or did you just comment to discourage people from trying to help and leave OP to suffer?
Sure dude, both discouraging people from "helping" (lol) and leaving OP to suffer are obviously the same thing. /s
First of all: OP didn't ask for advice. Second: I'm discouraging people from giving bad advice.
I can relate to OPs suffering. I know is though, and I undestand on my own experience how OP feels. I know that the only solution for it's like another commenter said: "get used to it". OP probably knows this too.
With some projection from me, I can assume he's only trying to rant over this, thats why OP ~~asked~~ said it on this sub. That's why he hasn't answered other comments beside hobbies. OP is trying to relate to people this way.
So when people show up full of self-indulgence thinking "OP ~NEEDS~ MY ADVICE", then it’s clear those comments are more for themselves than for OP. So congrats, you’ve given yourselves a pat on the back. If that’s your attitude, you can fuck off.
Yeah, many of these "advices" are as useful as a Chinese fortune cookie. They're just not applicable. I bet theres another 2 coming with "get a hobby or meet up" dude
It's not just loneliness, my friend. It's a brutal cycle. A prophecy foretold, one that you'll probably have to get up and break with some difficult to find laughter and energy in a social setting. This doesn't necessarily mean go to places. Find a Discord group, for instance.
Hell, I started Jiu Jitsu 1. Because I need to lose weight and 2. Because I'd like to be around people at least some of the time when I'm not working.
I also recommend martial arts, especially for socially awkward people, lessons are very directed so you don't have to worry about what to do with your hands. There's a style for everyone, artistic, traditional, competitive, self-defense etc...
I read this like you started Jiu Jitsu 1 because you needed to lose weight and Jiu Jitsu 2 (the sequel) to meet people.
Tbh, every Jiu Jitsu class feels like a sequel. Arm Lock 2: The JJ Electric Boogaloo - Tap or Die.
Probably was just an update of 1
Find a hobby you enjoy, even if it isn't a social hobby. Get involved in that. Get involved in the community around it, whether that's local or online. Start talking to people, find other common interests. Branch off into those interests with small groups from your hobby, or new groups entirely.
I don't know you, so this isn't a judgement of you or your situation, but people don't like one-dimensional people. Find a variety of things you enjoy doing just for yourself that isn't just video games or YouTube or tv, and then find spaces where people talk about those things. Start going to a gym or taking fitness classes, or join a hobby painting group, or a TCG/board game group, or a book club, or a jogging/biking group, or a crochet circle. Volunteer at local food banks or animal shelters.
Meeting a variety of people and having different, interesting things to talk to them about will help you make friends. Making friends will help you meet potential partners and practice communication skills to make the relationship work. It isn't always easy or fast, but everything I've found a partner it was after I told myself "you know what, I'm don't waiting for friends and companionship to fall in my lap. I'm going to go out and make it happen, or at least have fun on my own if I can't find others to have fun with".
You just better get used to it. When I was a teen people tell you that I'll come, don't rush things... Almost 20 years later and things are worse than ever.
"But get a hobby!" Guys, you can't just fake interest in something just to know people. Some of us just DON'T want interesting lives, I just like gaming and that isolation it gave up only made things worse. Especially where I live where no adult has these type of hobbies
You can fake a lot of interests. I often faked interest in the state of the company I was working for, in exchange for money. I faked interest in random topics to get a degree. If faking interest in your mineral collection gets me someone to listen to my problems, that is a good exchange in my book. And who knows, maybe I learn some cool mineral fact.
What helped me was realising there are many people are just as lonely as me. When I force myself to engage, in little ways (even as much as a hello), people seem to take it as an opportunity to speak and it's quite nice.
I told a quiet neighbour merry Christmas the other day, and he was more animated than I'd ever seen him.
I'm not saying this will help you, though I hope it has some positive bearing as a consideration.
Are there hobbygroups in your area? Keep the focus on the shared hobby and get to meet people through said mutual interest, don't focus on being there to make friends. Since the former leads to better relationships.
I have no spouse, I have one friend who lives in another state, and I live alone and work from home. I personally enjoy my solitude because I can live without pressure/expectations. Before getting into a relationship, maybe fuck around a little? Not in regards to cookie, but was there something you wanted to try, but were afraid of making a mess? A hobby you wanted to try, but we're shy about, like a instrument or singing, etc.? This is the time to do all that. Make cookies at 3 am, walk around in your undies, do that 5 minute craft, listen to that guilty pleasure song and sing all the words. Watch that kid's movie you've been curious about. A lot of people go from one family to another, or to a roommate. You have been given a season of you, don't skip it.
What if that "season" never ends.
If that season never ends, and you have put effort out to end it for some time, I would start looking into social clubs. And not, like, meet ups (those are fine if that's your bag), but ones centered around getting better at socializing in general. I am extremely bad at socializing offline. I cannot make friends with my current skill set, I would need to work on it. Of course, just the opinon of a random on the internet.
I don't have the solution for you.
I experienced what you are talking about. I kind of solved it via dating.
You wrote that you are studying. Do you also have a job? That could be an opportunity to get to know people.
Find people with common interests and try to make friends. Maybe with an app like Meetup or some other friends making apps.
What are you looking for in one?
I can answer since OP hasn't, and it sounds like they'll agree
What I want from a friend, partner, whatever is someone who understands and shares my beliefs, values, and circumstances. That last one is, I've learned, actually pretty important.
The friends I had in my 20s have changed, as have I since then. Most of them aren't really my friends anymore, some for damn good reasons. The friends I still have, though I love them to death, do not live a life like mine and haven't for several years now. Due to things outside of any one person's control, our lives have started to look so dissimilar that it's getting increasingly difficult for us to relate. I don't know how much they see it, and I don't know how to fix it. My friends are still people I am proud to call my friends and it seems like they feel the same for now, but that won't bridge the growing gap forever