this post was submitted on 13 Dec 2024
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No Stupid Questions

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DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there's a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it's huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.

like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I'd honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?

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[–] xmunk 36 points 4 days ago (4 children)

My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you'll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they'll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

It is a fight you can't win good Sir or Madame.

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 4 days ago (18 children)

I wouldn't worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don't risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do

They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest... I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere... The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves

I wouldn't worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly

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[–] agamemnonymous 10 points 4 days ago

how badly could a pelican fuck me up in a fight?

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there's a brown pelican that hangs out...

Poetry.

Actually, wait...

how badly could a

pelican fuck me up in

a fight? DISCLAIMER

.

I am not planning

on fighting a pelican.

There's a brown peli-

[–] [email protected] 17 points 4 days ago (5 children)

I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.

But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren't cleaned.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

In other words, the beak is a "Short Sword of poison +1"?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago

Switchblade of Infection +1

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