This is an automated archive.
The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Throwawry0415 on 2024-01-23 09:18:39+00:00.
I (29ftm) reconnected with my 5th grade crush (29m) on grindr last year. (My partner, 29m, is aware of this). we hadn't seen each other in nearly twenty years because he moved away after we graduated from elementary school. neither of us realized who we were until we chatted about our backgrounds and I found out his name. after confirming that we had the same fifth grade teacher, I "outed" myself as the girl he knew in 5th grade and we were both surprised and amused, so we exchanged numbers and texted for a couple months on and off until we eventually stopped. six months later, he texted me out of the blue and when I asked what prompted him after so long, he said he saw me on grindr again and had thought about our conversations. I asked him to meet me in person as friends to take any expectations or pressure off, mainly because we didn't "know" each other and I don't think it's fair for anyone to be compared to their past self, let alone versions of themselves from nearly two decades ago, and genuinely wanted to be his friend. He agreed, so we met over coffee.
I could have sat there all night and listened to him if he didn't have to drive home. He's handsome, tall (last time I saw him I was the tallest kid in our class, so I towered over him---now he towers over everyone else), and just as smart, kind, and curious about the world as he was when we were kids. My home life wasn't great (abusive dad and father figures) and I was bullied by girls in elementary and middle school, so even in my happiest moments I always felt burdened by having to fight for myself, or by having to ignore bullies, which tends to be what I primarily remember from my childhood. But as an adult with self-autonomy and a past I've mostly healed from, in his presence I genuinely felt the safety and joy that a kid with a stable, loving home and social life might experience. We agreed to meet again soon, and I thanked him for going out of his way to catch up with me.
Before meeting up, I didn't think anything about him being my 5th grade crush beyond "haha, how funny, I'm gonna tell my friends [bf included] about this" and use it as standup or comedy material (I write and am currently studying animation). Now I'm sitting here, unable to stop thinking about him, and feeling a tightness in my stomach, chest, and throat knowing I can never "go there" with him, even as a friends with benefits, because I know I'd go head over heels for him. He's my type and what I'd consider an absolute "catch". I don't even know if he's attracted to trans men, let alone me in any way, and I have a rule for myself where I don't approach cis gay men because I don't want to make them uncomfortable or risk rejection for not being cisgender. I want to be his friend because I enjoy his company and think he would be a positive influence on my life, but I don't know if it would even be possible for me if I'm feeling like this. I also don't want to creep him out by telling him how I'm feeling, and made sure to not flirt or mention I ever had a crush on him at all, because I just wanted to be friends and thought bringing any of that up would be weird.
We're both in long-term relationships with men. My partner, who has cancer, and I are completely devoted to each other, and I can't stand the thought of ever leaving him, especially as his caretaker. I want to see it through to the bitter end. But we're unable to physically connect the way we used to since he's started chemo again, as fluids carry chemo that can transfer to your partner, and despite my loyalty, I am extremely lonely, touch-starved, and understimulated from having to tend to his every need, which is usually the case whether he's on chemo or not. I can't have the same in-depth, passionate discussions because we're so focused on his survival and health that. I've had to take him to the ER seven times since November and every time we've had to face mortality. We're both exhausted, and I don't know how ready I am to deal with what looks like an inevitable early death. By the looks of it I have a feeling it's going to turn into a terminal illness.
Being strong for my partner 24/7 is taking a toll on me, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm strong enough to survive the grieving period alone. Visiting with a childhood friend brought me back to a version of myself I didn't think could have still existed. Part of me regrets ever meeting up with him because it has challenged my views of what I've long considered to be a blissful relationship. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.
Idk where to go from here. Should I cut ties with my former (I guess now current) crush, or should I just swallow it and keep my distance to see if the feelings wear off and I can build a friendship? How do I approach the issues I'm facing with my partner without making him feel unlovable or inadequate for having an illness? If you're a caregiver to a spouse, have you ever had feelings for someone else come up and if so, how did you handle it?
TL;DR meeting up with my 5th grade crush ended up throwing a wrench into how I'm feeling about my current relationship and my role in it, and I don't know how to go forward with newfound knowledge about myself.