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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Voxl_ on 2024-01-23 12:48:55+00:00.
TL;DR: Girlfriend and I had a talk about needs in our relationship shortly before christmas. Seven visits later she said it wasn’t enough yet. This saturday she said she wanted to break up, we didn’t see each other between our second talk and this saturday. After talking on saturday she said she needs to think about it again but backpeddled on a week of good communication the day after. We’ll meet on friday where she’ll state her decision. I don’t know what to make of this and could really use some help.
We’ve been together three years now and never really talked about our needs. Since we started being together at a young age and it was for both our first relationship I’d say we were to immature and too inexperienced to know how to.
A bit before christmas we then had a talk about what we were needing more of and what bothered us up until that point. She was crying because she thought we might break up because of it and I reassured her that I’m not someone who runs away from problems before ever trying to fix them. She said she was lacking communication and I said I wanted to share more hobbies together and do more than just sit on our asses and watch movies.
Since then we saw each other 8 times until last sunday when she asked me if I felt like something changed. I said I noticed her effort and she said she noticed mine, but it was still not enough for both of us. I am a very private person and I deal with stuff in head more than I talk to others and that’s something I’d like to change, which is also what I told her.
I thought a lot about what she wants and I tried my best to text her more about things that were on my mind, but she took some time to respond and never really seemed interested in talking. I came up with stuff we could learn together and really wanted to talk more to bring us closer. Honestly sparked a lot of hope for me in our relationship.
She usually came by every wendnesday so we saw each other more than only on weekends, last wednesday she stayed at home though. We then saw each other last saturday again when she told me she’d like to break up. I then told her about the things I realized in the past week and we talked for 1,5 hours which was a really nice talk.
Main things we talked about was the communication she was lacking, since I realized that it really wasn’t enough and I promised her I’d like to try my best if she would want to continue. One thing I mentioned as well is how much we smoked weed and how I felt it made us really lethargic and that I’d like to stop because I felt it was a big roadblock in our plans to change, which she understood and said she never thought about. She also mentioned how she never had plans to marry her highschool sweetheart, which I understand although I’m not sure what to make of since we never talked about marriage or anything in the direction of a never ending relationship. It was probably her way of saying that she wanted to break up eventually anyway. I did ask her if she still loved me and she said she doesn’t know but that she still really likes me (pretty bad sign I know haha). I do still love her though and I told her that.
In the end she said she needs to think about it and that we’d meet again on friday. We settled on the idea that we’d talk a lot this week so I could show her that I was committed to changing. I wrote her on sunday the day after at which point she said she’d actually rather not communicate this week so she’d have time to think. I asked her if we could have a quick phone call so I could some things off my mind which she agreed to. I told her that I was truly sorry for neglecting her feelings and that I really wanted to try again. She listened but didn’t talk much.
Now my issue is that I think that I never actually had any chance of changing since 4 weeks is not enough for me to become a different person. And the only time we saw each other since the second talk was when she told me she’d like to break up and the break in communication this week hinders any chance for me to show her that I’m sincere. I also think back to our first talk and how scared she was of breaking up just a month ago and feel like she made her past fear a reality for me, which seems like she doesn’t really care about my feelings.
I respect her boundaries and I completely understand that she’d rather not talk this week so she could think, but still I feel a little blindsided since I there was never a time between our talk a week ago and our talk this friday for us to try and fix our problems. And as stated above the four weeks we had since our first talk feel like a way too short of a time to change and contemplate the change.
If we were to continue I know both of need to change and that it won’t work if only one person is committed which is something I’ll tell her if she chooses to continue. I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s a little weak of her to end it so fast without even working on our problems. If we separate anyways I know I’ll survive, but I’d at least like to try since at this point neither of us know how things would turn out if we put in the effort to save it.
I’m not asking for your interpretation of what happens on friday or a perfect solution. I’m just looking for other perspectives besides mine, since a lot in here is my interpretation and I made some accusations too. Talked to a few friends as well.
I know this post was long, but I felt like the more I say the better a picture I paint. Thanks for any answers!