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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/stupidguy_throwaway on 2024-01-23 08:52:18+00:00.
Pretty simple I guess. The title. I'm pretty young (17M) and I don't think I've ever experienced love. I'd rather not see comments like "You're young and you'll see lots of things in the future, meet better people." but if you think you can make them more appealing and maybe show some form of anecdotal evidence, that'd be okay too.
The people that I think love me, care for me right now, I'm starting to feel they really don't. My friends don’t care, neither do any of the people I'll meet online who act like they do, or anyone in the comments who'll try to comfort me. You think there are maybe educators who do but, all the teachers care for are grades, my parents for my future but who cares for me? For my fibre of being?
I know there are people who'd be sad, perhaps even crushed if I kill myself but they definitely won't care, per se, when I'm alive. They don't.
I really have tried to be kind to everyone, one has misinterpreted that as me flirting with her and my friend broke off our friendship because I comforted his girlfriend. I've tried to be more mindful of the extent of my kindness since then.
There have been girls whom I liked and I was kink to and some of them have liked me back, dated me but got bored of that kindness, I suppose because they sought something else, someone else. I know I never hurt them, heck, I asked each time I saw a tear whether it was because of me and I'll I'd hear is you've treated me the best way, then why would you cheat? Or less cruelly, but still cruelly, why would you ghost me?
Anywho, that didn't matter. I was kind to my friends, even if they weren't the most emotionally vulnerable to at least be there for the people I love, to let them know, if no one else, that I can be here to listen to your worries and hopefully receive some of the same, but even if I don't, I won't mind.
I have tried to forgive all the times my parents abused me as a child, and everything else but never did I ever feel that I was loved by them the way that I loved them. I would have to beg for them to stop shouting, to get my horrible migraines checked up (something that still requires check up) and I've tried to get them to believe that I need help with some things that they just don't want to help me with, mentally and physically. I've tried to love them but all I see them caring about is whether I'll have a stable job and income in the future, a future that they want to decide for me wholly.
They're my parents so I've never really held it against them. Even though some of our recent fights were absolutely the worst.
I've done so much to show the people I have cared for that I can be there for them but the moment I share something, the best I can get is them trying to distract me, give me an earful, share how much worse they have it, or just plain ignore it and I don't mind it if that's all they know to do. I'm okay with them listening to me too, it's comforting enough.
But it's never there, it's always too much to ask for.
About half a year ago, I met a girl and we clicked immediately, and we have been talking ever since. She had a boyfriend at the time. She was 17 and he was 27. It was fucked up, of course and I did tell her it was but back then she didn't listen. She's autistic so she definitely had some really destructive habits and things that she did that wouldn't make sense to anyone but her. She also has severe depression and body dysmorphia, and an ED, as she often purges.
Regardless of everything, we used to talk a lot and our texts were very emotionally vulnerable because we found it comfortable to be around each other. I don't know when these texts escalated to go to the point where we'd talk about cuddling, kissing and romantic stuff, albeit not sexual. Perhaps her boundaries regarding platonic love and relationships were different because despite all this when I asked her whether she'd go out with me, she rejected me. I attributed it to her being in a relationship already, even though it was a relationship she was talking about leaving now.
Well, time passed and she left him a while, we still talk in the same way as before, we still talk in the same way that gave me signals before and it never really changed. We still say I love you.
Anyhow, she has started anti-depressants and now she's more distant than ever. The love was always pretty one-sided in the way that I said I love you and in the way that she did but recently, the most we talk is text each other memes. She doesn't talk to me much anymore and I don't know if it's just me but she seems to not react to the romantic love that I show her.
I hoped that her breaking up with her boyfriend would change our relationship but her depression has severely affected that. I'm very confused as to how to deal with this and I don't even know if she'll ever love me the same way. I just care deeply about her and I wish I could show her that and let go of the hopes that she'll love me.
Honestly though, I hope I could give up hope that anyone will ever love me. Fuck do I want to hug someone when they're sad though, and god do I want to kiss her, or cry to my parents, or just have friends who were more emotionally mature.
I don't want to live anymore, honestly.
I sometimes go to this place at night that's really high up and feel like jumping off, or get the rope out to hang myself in the nearby cemetery, or overdose on medicines that will surely kill me. The only things that stop me are the hope that maybe I'll find love, but I'm starting to lose that, and the sadness that fills me when I think of the people who might find me dead and who'll regret my death, and the fact that it might be painful to die.
I need help and maybe therapy for the traumas I have that I can't even mention here. I can't get therapy right now in this household though and I probably won't get therapy until I'm out of college, at least which would be after more than 4 years from now.
TL;DR- I'm unable to find love in any of the relationships I've had, from familial to platonic to romantic. What do I do?