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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Comfortable-End-5683 on 2024-01-23 05:37:04+00:00.
I've been with my girlfriend for just about 9 months, and I can't get away from the feeling that I want to break up with her. For context, we've known each other since we were really young, went to a party last year and admitted we had both been developing feelings for each other recently. The last 9 months have been nothing but great. She's so loving, really funny, we communicate really well, and I love spending time with her. I love her a lot, I always have and probably always will, but for the last few months I've had this nagging in the back of my mind that I want to end things. I've just barely been able to admit this to myself, as every time I had that feeling before I tried to stuff it down because things were so good between us. I feel like a complete piece of shit for wanting to throw away what so many people would probably consider the ideal relationship.
She's incredibly supportive of everything I do, takes time to engage in my interests with me even if she doesn't care as much, I mean overall she's pretty much perfect and I should be a lot more in love with her than I am. Now that I'm trying to really address where this feeling comes from, the following reasons are the only things I can think of as to why I want to break up with her. She has issues with self esteem and insecurity. She tries to limit how much she asks for reassurance and when she does I respond to it with as much care and love as I can, but it's starting to take a toll on me to have to singlehandedly hold up her self esteem. We've discussed it a good few times, but those types of issues don't resolve themselves overnight.
I also think we just generally have different plans for life. She's planning to enter an intense field and frequently talks about having adventures and doing stuff "once she's retired," which I understand how intensive her chosen profession can be, but I don't like the idea of resigning myself to only get to travel or do interesting stuff at the age of 65. I am also a generally creative and artistic person, and I have tons of hobbies and interests, but all she's interested in is the subject of her profession. That's fine and everything, I just wish we were more similar in that way.
We agree on everything politically and frequently have conversations about politics, though sometimes I feel like she's not as engaged in it as I am as I'm often informing her of things going
on. It's important to me to stay tuned in to the current political climate and be vocal and active about making change, and I sometimes wish she had those same feelings about wanting to take real action.
She wants to get engaged after a couple of years of being together, and thinking of that also freaks me out a bit. I feel like I'm not ready to settle down forever and make a permanent commitment so young. I never really dated anyone before her, and the "one-and-done" idea scares me a bit, it took me a long time to come out of my shell and I feel like if I settle down with her I'll never have gotten a chance to see what dating is like now that I'm a lot more confident as a person.
Also, my entire friend group came from her, and if I broke up with her I'd lose all of my friends. I also hate the idea of their reactions to hearing I broke up with her, I know they'd all feel betrayed and would start to resent me (rightfully so).
I really, really dread the idea of hurting her. I know this would be a major blow on her already poor self esteem and mental health. I've tried to convince myself this feeling just comes from adjusting to being in my first serious relationship, but it hasn't gone away and has honestly only started to get stronger. I don't feel like any of the reasons I've listed warrant a breakup. I feel like breaking up would mean throwing away something really great that I might never find again.
TL;DR my girlfriend and I have a really healthy relationship overall, and yet over the last couple months I keep feeling like I want to break up with her but the only "reasons" I can think of feel pretty minor, and I'm worried I'd be ruining my shot at a happy lifelong partnership if I leave her.
Am I making a horrible mistake by breaking up with her, or should I try to honor my feelings about this?