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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DazzlingWay2432 on 2024-01-23 03:49:54+00:00.
my BF and I have been together for almost 6 months, and it’s been going really well. He’s thoughtful and kind, and overall it’s a really solid, supportive relationship.
some relevant background info:
- bf does freelance work, so he has a very flexible schedule. I’m a grad student in my final semester. so he has a lot of time to run, whereas I have very little.
- bf ran track and cross country in high school and college, and still runs a fair amount. we’ve only gone for a run together once (because of weather/busy schedules/etc), but when we did, he had to slow down for me, and even then I could barely keep up.
- I was very self-conscious about my athletic ability for a very long time (and I’m beginning to realize that, in some ways, I still am). I started running in college, and I really love it. I’m slow, I don’t know much about technique, and I’ve never really cared about distance/pace/etc before- I just did it because I enjoyed it.
- I have a history of disordered eating behaviors- nothing formally diagnosed, but exercising too much and eating too little are definitely things I’ve done at different points. EDs can make you sort of competitive about food/exercise- feeling like you have to prove something by exercising more or eating less than everyone else. I wouldn’t have thought this was relevant, but the more i think about it, the more I wonder if it might be.
- bf is very very supportive when it comes to running- I’ve told him how I’m a little self-conscious about how, compared to him, I’m not very good at running, and he’s been very reassuring- saying what matters is that I’m doing something I love, you’re only competing against yourself, etc.
a few weeks ago, bf told me that he signed up for his marathon in the fall. when I saw that text, I had this immediate sinking feeling, and I couldn’t figure out why. Every time it’s come up since then, it’s been upsetting to talk about. The marathon’s in another country, and because of the timing, I won’t be able to go, which is itself really hard to deal with (not only do I miss out on being there for something really important to him, I miss out on a fun trip, too). On top of that, there’s the fact I just have a lot of baggage when it comes to running, and even though I have never in my life wanted to run a marathon, I suddenly feel inadequate for not being able to (even though I’m aware most of that’s just because I’m in school and have no free time). when you add in the general strain I’m under at the moment (working on my thesis, the prospect of graduating, and trying to find a job, and moving, and actually starting the job), I guess it’s not that surprising that something seemingly innocuous would set me off. still, I feel like I don’t really understand what precisely is upsetting me, much less what to do about it, and I’m still trying to work it all out.
I explained to him that I have a hard time talking about it, but that I want to be able to, because this is an exciting goal for him and I want to get excited with him. I want to be there to support him and share the journey, which he said he also wants- but I feel like bursting into tears whenever we talk about it, and I’m not sure exactly why.
the other day, I told him that I get upset when he talks about the marathon, but that I want to be able to share this excitement with him. It felt wrong to not say anything- I’d have felt like I was lying if I hadn’t been honest about how I felt. He was very understanding, but said that he wants to be able to talk to me about this- I agreed, and said I want to be able to talk about it, too, I just don’t know how yet. he asked why it’s upsetting, and I told him I’m not quite sure, but he’s not doing anything wrong- I’m just having an emotional response and I need to figure out how to handle that. I said I’d take some time to try and figure out what’s going on with me, and we agreed to keep the conversation open and work it all out together.
today, I was running, and I had a really hard time not beating myself up over how “slow” I was (I was running my usual pace, but it’s slower than how bf runs). even though I know that comparing myself to anyone else will never end well, it’s like my brain does it for me whether I want it to or not.
I guess I’m trying to figure out (a) why this is all so hard for me to deal with, and (b) what to do about it. I want to be able to talk about this goal with him without getting upset over my own insecurities and the fact that I can’t even be there for the big day. I can’t figure out how to reconcile my desire to not be upset with his desire to share something he’s passionate about. I’d be grateful for any advice or input on how to balance his needs with mine, or on how I might be able to process what I’ve got going on in a productive way.
tl;dr my boyfriend is running his first marathon, and whenever we talk about it, I find myself getting upset for reasons I’m still trying to figure out. I don’t want to have to talk about something upsetting, but I also want to be able to share this journey with him.