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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MissedCall999 on 2024-01-23 02:32:49+00:00.
My partner (46M) and I (44F) have been together for 9 years, living together for 7. No kids. The first 3 years living together, he had a typical 9-5:30 M-F office work schedule whereas I work at a school on an 8-3:30 schedule. I feel like as the woman and as the one who was home first, I naturally fell into the role of planning and shopping for meals and doing the cooking. I would clean in the afternoons too, or we’d do chores together on the weekends. Enter COVID, March 2020, he was laid off and continues to be unemployed to this day. I worked from home for about a year before we started going back in to school intermittently and then full time again. My partner has taken on chores individually being home more (vacuuming, dusting, occasionally mopping) but I am still stressed out by being the one to be responsible for what I feel is the greater mental load of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and keeping the kitchen clean. He thinks he does so much more for the house and makes me feel guilty about it every time I try to have a discussion. But I feel that I shouldn’t have to do so much of the mental work after putting in a full day of work and occasional nights having to do paperwork in the evenings. I’m continually thinking about if we have everything we need at home, when to shop on a day that I’m not as tired from work, then starting to cook dinner an hour after I get home.
Our approximate division of labor is below. Am I being unreasonable wanting to do less of the work around meals? How can we divide work fairly so that I’m not so stressed?
He: -cleans cat boxes (I do daily scooping as well, this refers to completely changing litter every couple of weeks) -keeps cat fountains clean and filled with water -vacuums -dusts -mops floors (but it’s only 2 of us and indoor cats, so this needs to be done pretty infrequently. I spot clean messes in kitchen as they occur) -takes out the trash -maintains yard (only lawn is in backyard, we put fake grass in front) -maintains cars (oil changes and other repairs) -cleans kitchen 20% of the time, usually unloading clean dishes, sometimes loading dishwasher
I: -pay all bills and maintain budget -plan meals -grocery shop -clean kitchen 80%(?) of the time. It bothers me because a pan can sit in the sink for days and he doesn’t wash it because he thinks it’s my job. He will for the most part only wash and load dishes that he uses. -cook most nights, and the nights I don’t fully cook I’m directing him on what to cook and doing some dishes as he cooks so it’s already done after dinner
We both: -do our own laundry -both do communal laundry (sheets, towels) except for dish towels which I feel I do more of -clean bathrooms (I really feel like his tolerance of a dirty toilet is higher than mine, so I end up doing this more often) -feed the cats
So overall: Should I just grin and bear it? Can I trade some of the cleaning for cooking?
Tl/dr: How do we divide household tasks so that we’re both happy?