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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwramina33 on 2024-01-22 23:11:25+00:00.
Is it considered controlling to ask someone what they’re thinking about?
I (f30) live with my fiancé (m35), and he is accusing me of being controlling. Here are some of the things that he considers controlling:
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Sometimes he gets really quiet, and I can tell he’s deep in thought. I’ll ask him what he’s thinking about. I’m not looking for a specific answer. If someone asks me, I’ll answer honestly like, “oh just a stream of images” or “I’m just stressed about work.” I think of it as a way to start a conversation. I don’t mean anything by it. I also just love him and like to hear his thoughts. They’re important to me. He says that I’m being controlling.
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During the work day, I used to ask him how his day was or what he was up to. It would just be to make conversation. I care about him and just want to know what’s going on in his world. He said this is controlling so I stopped asking.
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I would ask him around what time he’d be home so I could plan out dinner. He said this was controlling. I changed the question to if he would be home for dinner or if I should eat by myself. This helped somewhat. However, he still gets mad at me sometimes.
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Saturday night was a new one. I should preface this by saying the dinner question was brought up. This is only because I am 9 months pregnant, there’s a huge snowstorm and I am unable to drive. I cannot go out and get food by myself. He was working (self-employed), and I asked him if we could touch base around 7 pm to figure out dinner plans. He got agitated and said I was interrupting his work. I said okay, maybe we can just stop to get some food and he can go back to work. He said that would be fine. When he came home around 8, he said the roads were too bad to drive on anymore and we’d have to stay in. We scrounged up a meal at home from the little groceries we have. After, I went to lay down because my legs get swollen up. Usually he’ll join me and we will just watch videos on our phones or do whatever. Not that we’re interacting, just in the same room. We have cats that he hates because of the shedding so he rarely goes into the living room. Around 30 minutes went by and I didn’t know where he was. I came out to find him on his phone in the living room. I asked him why he was sitting out there by himself. It was just really out of the ordinary. He blew up at me, started yelling and calling me controlling and that I try to control his every move. I started crying and said I wasn’t trying to be controlling, I just was confused. He started mocking me and yelling saying I’m just so controlling.
It’s been two days now and he won’t apologize. I tried to say that it’s normal for couples to talk to each other and ask each other’s thoughts and coordinate evenings. It’s not a controlling thing to do. And that it hurts that me doing these things is considered controlling. He told me it’s my fault and that I just like playing the victim.
I’m just at a loss and don’t understand. I don’t have his phone password, I don’t prevent him from seeing his friends or family. I didn’t ask him to share his location, though he started sharing his and vice versa on his own. I’m just really confused. Am I being controlling? In past relationships, my partners would call me on their way home to tell me about their days. Sharing thoughts was done joyfully. Now I just feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. Do you consider these things to be controlling behavior?
TLDR: fiancé is accusing me of being controlling for asking how his day was, what he’s thinking, what he’s up to. Are these considered controlling questions?