This is an automated archive.
The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/onegirlgamesyt on 2024-01-22 22:42:59+00:00.
Hi reddit,
Please can I have some advice on ending a friendship as it is causing me a lot of stress. I am 34F and the ex friend is aprox 27F.
We met about a year ago at a local group for parents and toddlers and found out our sons were close in age. We were both regulars and after probably a couple of months she asked if we wanted to meet for a play date. I am a big introvert but having not socialised my baby much at that point because of Covid restrictions etc I pushed myself to do it and we went for coffee. It was nice to socialise and conversation flowed so we decided to meet up again.
It became aparent that we were from quite different backgrounds which is not usually a problem for me but I had a gut feeling that something just wasn't connecting however I ignored it in the interest of 'making a mum friend' and the idea of the boys playing together as they got older.
Meeting up became weekly (as well as seeing each other at the group), and then it was three times weekly as I find it incredibly hard to upset other people or be rude and didn't know how to say No. I became more uncomfortable as with nearly every meet up I would somehow become indebted to her/her family, starting with a free coffee here, some extra nappies there, a free toy, and then helping when the washing machine broke down etc despite not really knowing each other beyond acquaintances in my opinion. I would try saying no politely to all of these things as I hate oweing anyone but it often became very drawn out and awkward when I rejected things and it took me back to how my mother used to buy unwanted/refused things for my brother and I to guilt trip us into talking to her after we cut ties for her toxic behaviour.
A few other red flags to me included telling me we were best friends several times despite us barely knowing each other or having anything other than a toddler in common, and sending me memes about 'not being able to get rid of her now'. It became just far too intense for me! The final straw was when two of her family members used racist language about different ethnicities on two back to back play dates. I decided to quietly phase the friendship out as I didn't trust my ability to explain it nicely or hers to not react badly and she knows where I live so I didn't want problems.
I initially said I was too ill to meet up, and then after a few months I blamed my mental health for not wanting to socialise. Luckily we both had stopped attending the weekly group by this time too. I am a coward, I know but I was intimidated about the potential fallout from a more honest approach.
A few months of silence later and I thought all was done, and the hint taken but I got a new message saying she had bought my son a birthday gift and when did I want to meet up and get it. Again I felt like it was trying to force me to meet up/talk to her and I wouldn't have seen her if there wasn't a gift so I stuck to my guns and ignored the message, whilst feeling like IATA. I still feel guilty and ungrateful, but I am trying to listen to my gut which is incredibly uncomfortable.
It has been another few months of silence and she has messaged again. I haven't read it but I am pregnant and it is causing me a lot of stress. Normally I would have sent a blunt message and blocked on everything at this point rather than trying to ghost but there is just a vibe I have that worries me about angering her and her family (the quick, one sided intensity of the friendship, the potential lovebombing, the best friend forever memes etc).
So reddit, am I totally reading way too much into this and being a paranoid, nasty mean girl or should I stick to grey rock/ghosting until the messaging finally stops? How can I end this quickly and safely?
TLDR; Help! 34F needs advice on ending a very intense, one sided friendship with 27F when ghosting is not working and confrontation feels like it might make it worse!