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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SelectWestern1554 on 2024-01-18 18:11:11+00:00.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now. There isn't much that we seriously fight/disagree about, but one of those things happens to be her adamant refusal to go to the doctor.As stated in the title, my girlfriend hasn't been to the doctor in almost a decade. The reason is because she found doctors visits very unpleasant when she was younger, and procedures like needles or blood tests gave her severe anxiety attacks. For context, both of us come from families with high cancer risks.
About a year into our relationship, I voiced my concerns over this fact. I told her that taking care of her health was extremely important to me (especially given our family histories), and that for me to feel comfortable in a long term relationship I would need my partner to at least schedule a routine checkup once a year.
At this point in time she still hasn't done so, and I've even told her now that I'd be ok if she goes to the doctor just once every two years instead. She gets very annoyed and brushes it off whenever I try to bring up the topic, saying that she'll do it on her own time, that by pressuring her I'm not respecting her ability to handle herself as an adult, etc. I don't want to seem like I'm nagging or being over bearing, so I try my best not to bring it up as much as I can (I think 2-3 times over the past year).
Here are the rest of my thoughts on the situation:
- Since we are still both relatively young, my girlfriend has called me irrational for worrying so much and bugging her to do this. Truthfully, this issue is genuinely causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, and I've recognized that I do likely have an irrational fixation over the potential deaths of my loved ones. However, even if my worry is irrational, I don't think that what I am requesting is. I'm not asking her to go on a strict diet or workout or any of that, I just want her to go to the doctor once a year so we know that nothing is wrong.
- I recognize that doctor-related phobia is a real thing, and I'm not trying to invalidate her perspective. However, I feel like going to the doctor regularly is just a necessary part of life and this is the type of thing that one needs to get over as part of being an adult. To be clear, when I was younger I also used to get anxiety attacks whenever I'd get a blood test (even nowadays the nurse always asks me if I need to lie down first), but I still went anyways because I knew that it just needed to be done. I've tried asking her if there's anything I could do to make the process easier for her but she says there's nothing.
- I've told her several times now how much grief and stress this has been causing me. Even if she is right, and I really shouldn't be worrying about it at all, I don't feel it is unreasonable to think this is something she should just do because she knows how important it is to me. It hurts because I feel like she either isn't taking my concerns seriously, or that (worse) she does take them seriously but it just doesn't matter that much to her.
Even if she does eventually go to the doctor, I can't help but feel like she'd just be doing it once to shut me up, and that she'd never actually go again afterwards which isn't what I want.
To be clear, our relationship has been wonderful otherwise, and we get along really well. The reason this is bothering me so much to begin with is because I love her, and I just want her to be ok. We've talked about getting married, but I feel like if this is unresolved things are only gonna get worse down the line.
I just don't know how to deal with this situation. Every time I try to approach the topic she just shuts it down. Does anyone have advice for what to do? I'd genuinely like to know if I'm being unreasonable here.
TL;DR! My girlfriend hasn't been to the doctor in almost a decade. I've told her its important to me she at least goes for an annual checkup since we're both high-risk, but she doesn't want to talk about it - am I overreacting? What do I do? Should I just get over it?