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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/OldResearch6572 on 2024-01-18 14:48:36+00:00.
TL; DR: Friend grieving potentially abusive relationship with user ex. He isolates himself and easily upset by anything remotely resembling a romantic relationship. He snaps at me, and feels bad after. It’s ruining our friendship and potential for future romance.
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My friend and his ex broke up a year or so ago. She seemed to like him otherwise, but pretty much stated she was unhappy in their relationship and wanted to work on herself. She was also a tad emotionally abusive, kinda selfish, and couldn’t be bothered to really care about him beyond what he did for her. He’s been trying to woo her back with zero success. Since we’re both recovering from relationships, we tried being FWB/dating. I’m much further along in the recovery or grieving process, plus we view people and relationships differently, so our day-to-day motions don’t affect me much.
I can’t say the same for him. It’s like he’s put me in a box and he hates himself for it because he feels I deserve much better than what he can give me at this time. Talking is difficult for him, as is sharing the bed overnight or in general. We don’t even go out anymore. Those things remind of his relationship with his ex. Sex though? They never had a great sex life and it left a lot to be desired so that was easy for him. We’ve always been unusually sexually compatible so I didn’t mind because we used to be FWB in the past. We almost dated, but it didn’t work out because of my lunatic ex bf and our schedules never aligning.
Back to the issues! He hates that he gets upset or emotional when we cuddle, kiss, or do anything reminiscent of his last relationship. He enjoys doing all of those things with me but it elicits memories and I’m not sure how normal it is since it’s been a little over a year since their relationship ended. Now he’s distant which not only affects our sex life, but our friendship as well. He beats himself up over it. It was never like this before. He never had issues holding hands or being affectionate in any capacity. I’ve told him we don’t have to be FWB. I’m fine going back to a purely platonic relationship. He says he might just need time to himself. He’s been by himself for much of the past year.
He tells me he doesn’t blame me if I keep my options open. I told him I don’t mind us seeing other people due to us not actually being in a relationship but we did decide to be sexually exclusive because we don’t want to bring outside health issues into what we have. He often wishes he could give me more emotionally. It’s gotten worse since the holidays. He’s a great guy. We like each other a lot and it helps that we aren’t looking for anything serious (taking is slow) but I’m backing off until he gets himself sorted out.
I just want to know if any of this is normal for someone grieving a potentially unhealthy relationship? What can I do to help him?