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We're in Indiana. My daughter is in middle school. Her best friend is a trans boy. Even with supportive parents, the school calls him 'she' and deadnames him. It's so disgusting. My daughter said every time they used his deadname, she would get confused about who they were talking about.
This is so messed up. My heart hurts for those kids.
Yeah, and her friend is really psychologically messed up as it is in a lot of ways. Being trans in middle school is, I'm sure, hard enough just dealing with other kids. And the school he's in has a real bullying problem. We pulled my daughter out and put her in online school because she was being bullied so much without the administration acting on it even though we pleaded with them. If the administration won't protect my cis daughter, I don't even want to know their reaction to her friend.
And if these kids make it to adulthood (we all know how high the suicide rates are, and that’s not the only source of concern), they will have trouble finding therapists who can help even if they can afford the years of therapy for the trauma inflicted by the fucking bigots.
My friend who is not even trans but just socially progressive could not find a therapist in MS that wouldn’t push god down her throat. I can only imagine how those therapists would behave with a trans person.
And in case you are not aware, the therapist has to be licensed in the state where the client is located. So me being licensed in CO, I cannot see kids or adults in MS or any of the other states with horrid laws without jumping through many hoops.
We have that trouble here too. We had to find a therapist for my daughter that didn't do the Christian thing. My daughter has been an atheist all of her life. When she was six, she told her grandmother, "when I stay over on the weekend, I don't want to go to church with you anymore because I don't really believe in god." But this is Indiana, and finding some non-religious counseling is not easy. Thankfully, there is a low-cost counseling center we found and she has a therapist she really likes. I don't know about her friend though. I know he is in therapy but I don't know much more than that. His parents are definitely supportive- they call him by his chosen name, they use his preferred pronouns and they buy him chest binders, but they apparently are crazy and bad parents in other ways. I know he self-harms and he's 13 and already vaping and smoking weed. If I didn't know my daughter as well as I do, I would probably encourage her to stay away from him as a bad influence, but he doesn't pressure her and she isn't really interested in either. I'm not shocked that he finds a way to get weed since we're on the border with Illinois, where it's legal, but where does 13-year-old even get an e-cig?
Anyway, despite his issues, he's a really good friend and I hope he makes it through school okay. I'm glad the internet exists so that they can stay in touch all the time even though they're not in school together anymore.
Sorry, I'm sort of rambling here. I just feel really bad for her friend and I wish I could help because he's clearly not doing well.
It gets so complicated with trauma, and he really needs a great therapist, which like you said is hard to find. I'm sure your daughter is a welcome sight in a life where so many people bully him. It's tough, and I'm afraid it's only going to get tougher with these crazy groups like Moms for Liberty and such.
Oh yeah, Indiana will make it much worse for trans kids if the legislature can get away with it (which they can). I'm sure my daughter helps him cope, but she's definitely not enough and I worry he won't make it to adulthood.
You are probably helping more than you think. Growing up trans in the 90's I had the opposite problem of just not having words for what I was going through. I had great parents though who made themselves available to my friends, if you were over at our place come dinnertime you were invited and they showed an actual interest in their lives... Which was often more than what their parents could offer. We ended up creating a family and all of the friends I have had from middleschool to my mid twenties ended up being part of it. That tribe has weathered a lot of hard knocks. Kindness is it's own reward as they have supported my Mom now that she's a widow.
I think young adults need a sounding board of multiple actively invested adults who care to be successful. It's part of becoming their own healthy person. What these laws ultimately do is try and isolate kids so their only legal sounding board is their parents which means if you are one of these kids who can't trust their parents you end up getting the guidance you need from other people your age, not experienced adults. A lot of folk growing up depended on my parents and now that they are adults in a position to be there the script has flipped. You never forget the people who were there when you were at your most vulnerable.
I'm not really helping at all because I almost never talk to her friend. I've barely had the opportunity because he's only been over once and I was mostly busy while he was here. But I hope my daughter is helping by being a good friend and accepting him for who he is, not who society wants him to be.
If you want to, making your place and time available and showing some interest is awesome. It is definitely above and beyond parenting to offer to be there for your kid's crew. Just having spaces you know your presence isn't just tolerated but actually welcome is in short supply when you are a kid and sometimes regular kids, not even trans ones, learn to expect their presence to be a burden.
The first few times friends would have dinner with my parents they would be wary and have their guards up. They just didn't know how to react to an adult who was not their parent showing interest in the stuff they were up to. It was in many ways their first brush with adults socially treating them like they would an adult and giving their interests and work a sense of weight. I know it's not for everyone, sometimes parents just don't have the resource of time or mental energy to be there that way... But if you are looking for a way to be a lighthouse in the storm it's an option.
I try to be a friendly dad and I'm good at making my daughter and her friends laugh (my days doing standup finally paid off!), so that helps. Now if only I could get my daughter to invite him over again. It's harder to convince her to do it now that they're not in school together and she's becoming more introverted, but I'm trying to change that.