this post was submitted on 25 May 2024
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I'm a parent of four, at least two of whom are autistic, and I can confirm. A child is almost never in danger in their crib; and if you are unsure of your ability to control your anger, they are potentially in danger in your arms.
American popular media has a fairly rosy and tidy view of kids. Even when they're portrayed as difficult, they're still lovable scamps. And, to be clear, kids are great; I love being a dad more than almost anything I've ever done.
But they're also very difficult; and no matter how even-keeled you are in normal life, you find yourself in a pretty dark place when they're still crying and you're on your third night in a row with only two hours of sleep. Sitcoms never show the end of the frayed rope.
I haven't ever shaken or otherwise harmed my children. But I have often been horrified by the dark intrusive thoughts that come into my mind at 3am; and four kids in, I'm much more comfortable with leaving them in bed.
My wife and I joke about this all the time — how the hell can we become more like Daniel Tiger's parents!? We swear right off-camera in the other room they're ripping a massive bong or something to remain that chill.... And Daniel, that kid is perfect, listens to reason all the time, and pretty much never has a tantrum!
Just once I want to see Daniel lose his shit followed by the parents who are exhausted trying to hold it together. I want a realistic portrayal of parenting and childhood tantrums. I want to see the parents break down and over-punish or say something wrong but then retract and come back and say sorry, etc.
That being said, we take our own deep breaths, try our best to comfort our kiddos when we can and ensure that all their needs are met. And when all else fails—gas, diaper, food, play-time, teething, checking for cold symptoms, holding them in a low-stimulus room, etc. — we give them a little time to try to calm down or take a nap. On the flip-side, we're not fans of the CIO method and aren't just going to let them go on and on for a half hour or more. A reset after that tends to reveal whatever the problem is.... But anyway, we're still learning.
Yeah, I'm often amazed at how the closest thing to realistic anger I've ever seen Daniel's parents fall into is when Daniel used his dad's sock to make a puppet. And the closest thing to a real tantrum that Daniel himself has ever had was when he was...like, over-exhausted or something?
Same with Bluey. That dad is setting expectations way too high.
That never worked for us either. The kid definitely escalates. Resets work way better.
Bandit models a lot of good parenting, but he's way too much of a pushover to be an actual role model. Also, I'm sure you'd look like a super parent if people only got to see your absolute best moments.
Oh, that's a good point. My nine best dad minutes every week probably compare significantly more favorably to Bandit's than a randomly-selected nine minutes.
Bandit has unlimited energy and a team of well-slept writers. He's a good role model as long as you realise he is as unrealistic as any other cartoon animal.
I hear you fellow dad. I doubt anyone wants to admit it but we all have limits to our patience, kindness and responsibility, especially, like you say, when deprived of sleep and getting screamed in the earhole for long periods of time. Kids (and especially babies of course) don't understand that. A couple of times I've been so strung out and stressed that I've had to put the baby down and go outside and beat the earth with a stick. This was much easier to do, having previously been given the advice by a midwife. It's too easy to think you should have infinite patience, which is why I think things can go tragically wrong in some cases.
No kidding. My outlet is a long bike ride, but that assumes my wife is home and not also feeling at the end.
I seriously can't wait to go out for a guilt-free bike ride!
+1 here, bike rides are just the perfect way to cool down. Somewhat heavy sustained physical activity just takes you away and drains from any anger
Trampolines work wonders. Even one of the little ones. Jumping rope is good too, if you're good at it. Your leg muscles are your biggest muscles and engaging them will burn off the most stress hormones the most efficiently.