this post was submitted on 25 May 2024
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Wow. No kids here. But this is absolutely not the narrative I’ve picked up through mostly American media. In the back of my mind is this pull that essentially says that if a baby is awake—especially if they’re being frustrating—it should not be alone.
The wow is because 1. I wasn’t even aware I felt that way, and 2. because it’s in conflict with what sounds like helpful advice.
I'm a parent of four, at least two of whom are autistic, and I can confirm. A child is almost never in danger in their crib; and if you are unsure of your ability to control your anger, they are potentially in danger in your arms.
American popular media has a fairly rosy and tidy view of kids. Even when they're portrayed as difficult, they're still lovable scamps. And, to be clear, kids are great; I love being a dad more than almost anything I've ever done.
But they're also very difficult; and no matter how even-keeled you are in normal life, you find yourself in a pretty dark place when they're still crying and you're on your third night in a row with only two hours of sleep. Sitcoms never show the end of the frayed rope.
I haven't ever shaken or otherwise harmed my children. But I have often been horrified by the dark intrusive thoughts that come into my mind at 3am; and four kids in, I'm much more comfortable with leaving them in bed.
My wife and I joke about this all the time — how the hell can we become more like Daniel Tiger's parents!? We swear right off-camera in the other room they're ripping a massive bong or something to remain that chill.... And Daniel, that kid is perfect, listens to reason all the time, and pretty much never has a tantrum!
Just once I want to see Daniel lose his shit followed by the parents who are exhausted trying to hold it together. I want a realistic portrayal of parenting and childhood tantrums. I want to see the parents break down and over-punish or say something wrong but then retract and come back and say sorry, etc.
That being said, we take our own deep breaths, try our best to comfort our kiddos when we can and ensure that all their needs are met. And when all else fails—gas, diaper, food, play-time, teething, checking for cold symptoms, holding them in a low-stimulus room, etc. — we give them a little time to try to calm down or take a nap. On the flip-side, we're not fans of the CIO method and aren't just going to let them go on and on for a half hour or more. A reset after that tends to reveal whatever the problem is.... But anyway, we're still learning.
Yeah, I'm often amazed at how the closest thing to realistic anger I've ever seen Daniel's parents fall into is when Daniel used his dad's sock to make a puppet. And the closest thing to a real tantrum that Daniel himself has ever had was when he was...like, over-exhausted or something?
Same with Bluey. That dad is setting expectations way too high.
That never worked for us either. The kid definitely escalates. Resets work way better.
Bandit models a lot of good parenting, but he's way too much of a pushover to be an actual role model. Also, I'm sure you'd look like a super parent if people only got to see your absolute best moments.
Oh, that's a good point. My nine best dad minutes every week probably compare significantly more favorably to Bandit's than a randomly-selected nine minutes.
Bandit has unlimited energy and a team of well-slept writers. He's a good role model as long as you realise he is as unrealistic as any other cartoon animal.
I hear you fellow dad. I doubt anyone wants to admit it but we all have limits to our patience, kindness and responsibility, especially, like you say, when deprived of sleep and getting screamed in the earhole for long periods of time. Kids (and especially babies of course) don't understand that. A couple of times I've been so strung out and stressed that I've had to put the baby down and go outside and beat the earth with a stick. This was much easier to do, having previously been given the advice by a midwife. It's too easy to think you should have infinite patience, which is why I think things can go tragically wrong in some cases.
No kidding. My outlet is a long bike ride, but that assumes my wife is home and not also feeling at the end.
I seriously can't wait to go out for a guilt-free bike ride!
+1 here, bike rides are just the perfect way to cool down. Somewhat heavy sustained physical activity just takes you away and drains from any anger
Trampolines work wonders. Even one of the little ones. Jumping rope is good too, if you're good at it. Your leg muscles are your biggest muscles and engaging them will burn off the most stress hormones the most efficiently.
Yeah, there's a totally inflexible cultural expectation of parents to be there for their kids no matter what, with no regard for bedrock emotional and psychological limitations or even common sense. Incidentally, I think this is why so many people are shocked and appalled when they become adults in the big bad world and discover that it isn't devoted to them. It's a tough gig for the best of us but if you've been brought up with an illusion of god-like figures who can unfailingly be summoned at all times to protect you from everything then I think adulthood is a wake-up call that probably never ends.
Ow, well that hits me right in the childhood hah.
I think it's important to note that this kind of parenting not only sucks once the kid reaches adulthood, but can be actively abusive to the kid as a form of control tied to an expectation of ownership. By being the one to meet every one of their child's needs, the parent can make that support very transactional and conditional in private. I'm thinking of a particular model of parenting common in rural Christian communities in the US, which is echoed in "parent's rights" rhetoric.
In that environment, not only is a parent expected to meet every single one of their child's needs, but a child is also expected to not have needs their parent can't meet in the moment. If they do, too bad, they don't and are really just being ungrateful of how hard their parent works to raise them already. Children are isolated from each other in highly car-centric communities where their only way of seeing another kid is by asking to be driven, which allows a parent to decide who their child interacts with. Boys are expected to be especially unemotional, so even things like suidicidality and SA are swept under the rug and the child has so few other people to bring that to other than their parents. Girls get their own flavor of emotional negligence that I can't speak to but I think few would be shocked at the themes of reproductive control inherent there.
As an adult this has all sorts of knock-on effects, one of which can be an overinflated sense of how much the outside world will serve them - but the reverse can be true at the same time, one can also learn that the outside world will never rise to meet their unmet needs, which makes relationships pretty difficult among other things. It can also lead to alexithymia as one learns to only feel how others expect them to feel.
You leave your baby in a safe place, usually their bed. They will survive the time you pipe down.