Ask Lemmy

The good thing is, you're most people - looking for all parties to have fun within the boundaries of safety and participant comfort. Topping is a huge responsibility, and you had the correct reaction.

But just like in the everyday world, there are abusive people out there. Folks, particularly bottoms who are still fleshing out their boundaries, can be vulnerable to these people. My opinion is that situation can be made more complicated due to the taboo nature of the interaction and unique social norms that have a learning curve (ex: what happens if you're newer, someone starts spewing 'true dom/true sub' crap early on, and that sets your expectations for BDSM?).

Captain Lez is bang on when saying this is the value of a community for vetting and feedback re: what you're doing. But again, like in everyday life, people can ingratiate themselves into that community as a means of cover.

It really isn't all that different from abusive relationships in every other context, just with an additional layer of sensation and social norms that can cloud judgement/mask the abuse.

Will say OP made great points on misogyny in this world expressed in less aggressive ways, and heck, even this conversation underscores it. People like you and me jump right to guys in a dom role disregarding the boundaries of women in a sub role, for reasons of hating women. We're not those people, most of the people we meet in this context aren't those people, and the few we become aware of are usually blacklisted pretty quick, so we think misogyny is not a major problem in the community. The stated dynamics between some Doms and Dommes, and male bottoms to their Dommes, challenges that. I may not have come across it simply because I am a guy who doesn't feel that way, my community is very much female-led, and everyone I met was pretty respectful/darned greatful a community existed at all, but I can definitely see it being a thing.