The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Whale vocalizations, or “whale songs,” have long fascinated biologists and nature lovers alike, but while it’s been theorized that the hauntingly beautiful “music” some whales produce aids in sexual selection, there hasn’t been a clear consensus as to its purpose. Well, all of that just changed, as marine biologists have revealed that whale songs are the whale equivalent of online hate speech.

Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard,” Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said to a Chinese trade representative, later explaining to reporters that the Trump administration hoped to shore up America’s complete set of the original 151 and was willing to part with its most sophisticated machine-learning processors to achieve that goal.

Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to cum on women’s backs and keep it there,” said Gov. Kay Ivey, explaining that the law, which also bans the sale of tissue paper that could be used to wipe ejaculate off the lower spine, was essential to protect the sanctity of seminal loads.

In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled out a loaded handgun and menacingly swept its muzzle across the entire American populace, he’s seen a massive bump in favorability on everything from his handling of the economy to his views on immigration,” said Gallup polling analyst Eric Waltman, adding that Trump’s numbers had seen a particularly sharp spike after he fired a shot into the air to show that “he means business.”

Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could enact their sick sense of gangland justice,” said Patel, who urged U.S. citizens to remain vigilant and immediately report such suspects to authorities so they could be detained and deported.

Additional context for those outside of womboland: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working/_With/_Children/_Check

In what experts are calling a “bold step of doing the bare minimum” the six-person, all-female crew on the Blue Origin NS-31 mission have solved centuries of gender inequality.

It wasn’t protests, policy or even pay rises but six women orbiting the Earth’s atmosphere for a few minutes.

Since the NS-31 mission, there have been multiple reports of acts of feminism across the globe. Senior executives have started referring to female colleagues as “capable” instead of “intense”, tech bros have issued public apologies for interrupting women on their podcasts, and one man even loaded a dishwasher without being asked.

“When I unbuckled my seatbelt, I felt centuries of oppression unbuckle with me,” said pop singer Katy Perry who was on the historic flight.

Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics of the term ‘concentration camp’ as they pertain to a place the government is actively sending people with no criminal history is highly associated with national stability,” said historian Kristen Boyd, who added that the more pedantic one’s reasoning for a facility not fully satisfying the criteria for a true concentration camp, the better that bodes for a country’s future.