captainastronaut

joined 1 year ago
MODERATOR OF
[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

Carbon credits funnel money to poor people as well as tax exempt status for churches funnels money to poor people. In that, not at all if rich people can help it.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 month ago (13 children)

I really just don’t think our clean air strategy can involve “keep burning shit for energy”. Wind, water, waves, rays, and atoms yes… but not “burn shit”. Even if it’s useful shit to burn, it’s still a huge carbon release.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I just curse out the machine voice with all my pent-up frustration until it sends me to a real person and then it’s easier to be kind to the person who rescued me from robot hell.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

I feel seen.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

Just Nazi Twitter being Nazi Twitter.

[–] [email protected] 52 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It works until they catch you! Just like lots of other crimes.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 month ago

The convoluted logic to get from “this is how much money I owe” to “actually, that’s how much they owe ME” is so wild.

[–] [email protected] 125 points 1 month ago (11 children)

“If you're a Twitter diehard who's not willing to swap to X, it might be finally time to ditch X for Mastadon or Threads. On your way out, don't forget to delete your X account.”

Best advice in the article.

[–] [email protected] 36 points 1 month ago

That’s a nice way of saying “the kind of censorship that will destroy the internet as we know it”

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It’s a closed system. That water comes from somewhere. Forcing rain to feed your crops is going to create a drought for someone else.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Also, their shoes are unnecessarily hideous.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

We can only hope.

 

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

Originally posted to Reddit by FancyAlligator

 

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?”

The second replies “yes, it’s these wicker chairs!”

Originally posted to Reddit by doitup69

 

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

Originally posted to Reddit by ExtraSure

2
The Bathtub test (seattlelunarsociety.org)
 

During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup"

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

Originally posted to Reddit by RyanPBennett

 

A man asks a young grocer if he can purchase a half a head of lettuce. The boy says "hold on one second and I'll check with my manager."

The grocer walks to his office and says "So this cheapskate wants to know if he can buy a half a head of lettuce...." Not knowing the man had followed him and was standing right there. The grocer quickly embraces the man and says "... and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half"! The manager agreed to the deal and and the man left.

Manager "You're quick on your feet there! I could use someone like you as a lead. Where are you from son?"

Grocer "I'm originally from Winnipeg. Nothing up there expect hookers and hockey players."

Manager "Excuse me. My wife is from Winnipeg!"

Grocer "No kidding, what team did she play for?"

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Originally posted to Reddit by muadeebpaul

1
Going to the john (seattlelunarsociety.org)
 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Originally posted to Reddit by ryanegauthier

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Originally posted to Reddit by petedacook2

 

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

“Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Manchester United". [Or insert the team you love to hate instead]

Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic

 

How do you clean between your chickpeas?

Use your lentil floss.

Originally posted to Reddit by MyActualNameIsCarl

 

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic

 

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar...

She says,

"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

The Russian replies,

"I work for the KGB."

"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

"About me or about you?"

Originally posted to Reddit by iRyaaanM

view more: ‹ prev next ›