196

I agree. Having a natural tendency to want to solve a problem makes us want to fix it immediately but sometimes it's not the answer, when they just want to vent or someone to listen.

I ask my wife and kids if they need someone to help problem solve or just listen. It's been a game changer.

“Is this the feeling stage” to me feels like, “are you ready to here solutions or are you going to keep complaining?”.

Because humans are social creatures, and we like to know that other people understand our pain.

For example, I might complain that I got a bad review as an actor. What I need is for people to say "Fuck that critic!" and "That really sucks man." not "Have you tried taking classes to get better?" Sure, that's objectively the correct advice but it isn't what even the most logical human wants to hear when they're upset.

Sometimes, you get so pissed off at something that you really need to vent out your frustration with it to feel better.

Especially if it's something you can't do anything about.

Speaking about something often automagically solves the problem, actually. Probably due to self-reflection. For this to work, however, you need to speak it out completely at least once.

One aspect can be validation. They want another person to affirm that their strong emotions in response to whatever unfortunate event occured are not an overreaction. I think women particularly are criticized for "being too emotional" and can become very self conscious of any emotional response that can be perceived as disproportionate to the event that caused it. So when they tell you about what happened they're looking for how you respond.

It might be tempting to think, "I'll help them realize how little of a deal this is by showing them how easy the solution is." But that completely invalidates their emotions. They just need someone outside of the situation to objectively say, "yea what happened to you, that sucks. Most people in your situation would feel the way you feel. You're not weird or irrational for feeling this way."

Lots of good answers so far. From my experience, most people know what the fuck to do or at least they know they have a few options, so they don't need me to tell them how to solve their problem.

To specifically answer your question... sitting there listening allows you to figure out if the person needs to vent, talk out their options, validation about their reaction, validation for their own solution, social connection, to know they have a support system in you, encouragement, and sometimes, yes, advice or a solution. So to assume it's only a solution they want leaves out a whole host of other possible reasons they might come to you. "I know I just need to send an email, I just wanted to removed about my boss being a bag of dicks".

Emotions are energy to these plebs and they need a release valve.

That's literally how they work. They have internal tanks where they store anger, fear, pain, sadness, regret, and those tanks can only hold a limited amount. The release valves require comfort and validation from others to operate so they don't overflow.

It's why you get all of the idiocy from people who complain, complain, complain about everything from minor inconveniences like food spilling to big political issues they need to act or change their behavior to solve but never do.

It's because they have no intention of fixing the problem and are too selfish and entitled to. They just want someone to turn the release valve for them so they can continue along their self-destructive path and feel better about it.

It's disgusting, really.

Here is an alternative Piped link(s):

It's not about the nail.

Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.

I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.

What's this a metaphor for then?

I have a hard time believing some people won't see it as an antagonistic response.