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I live in a house with three queer/poly people. Around here, people sometimes introduce themselves or others with a note about their pronouns. But if someone doesn't, it's okay and either people will pick up the right ones from context, or they will guess and maybe be gently corrected.
"DiD yOu JuSt AsSuMe My GeNdEr??" is not real; it's an Internet troll parody.
That's a relief.
So just go on about my merry way and if someone corrects me respect their choices ?
Yeah. Like if you thought someone's name was Joe but it was actually Jeff and they tell you that, it's not a big deal. Just one of those things that sometimes happens if you're meeting new people.
Oh no, if I think someone's name is Joe and it turns out being Jeff, I feel atrocious.
Sure, but you probably have the sense to focus that into remembering their name correctly next time. You wouldn't go telling them that Jeff is a molester name because Epstein and that therefore they should pretend to be named Joe.
From what I've seen gender diverse people generally seem to understand the difference between someone's who's just made a mistake and someone who refuses to use the correct pronoun despite being corrected numerous times.
That last bit is the important thing. If someone tells you pronouns, use them. If someone tells you they prefer "they/them" and you keep using he or she on purpose, you are disrespecting them.
We all make mistakes sometimes and most people I've met who use alternative pronouns that may conflict with their socially expected appearance don't mind correcting someone a few times or will brush it off a few times, but more than that, especially if you see and interact with this person regularly, you become an asshole.
I try really hard to be respectful of someones pronoun choice but I will readily admit I find 'they/them' requires quite active concentration and thought not to refer to someone as she / he.
Yep exactly! I’m trans and can confirm it’s not a huge deal. It’s actually usually fine to assume someone’s gender.
I think the people who end up getting upset are the ones who are isolated from the LGBT community in real life.
Cis allies usually put pronouns in their bios to show support and normalize the act itself of specifying then online. IRL since you are cis and I asume you look masculine there is no need to specify your pronouns.
Just whenever you meet someone and they tell you to talk to them in a specific way, just do it and respect their pronouns. Its easy. Most people dont care if you get it wrong the first times as long as you acknowledge your mistake and correct yourself, your brain will get used to it and you will not make the mistake later. That's the different between someone who is learning and an idiot purposefully misgendering someone.
BTW if you arent sure about someone elses pronouns, just ask them. Easy.
Cool thanks. I just put mine up in my bio. Hopefully in the right spot.
One thing I try to do as clueless old man is when I am writing a policy doc or instructions at work, I just stick with they/them.
Instructions on how to merge a branch in Git do not need gender specific pronouns.
IRL since you are cis and I asume you look masculine there is no need to specify your pronouns.
I disagree with this. It's better not to assume or encourage people to assume pronouns. It's better to use they/them when you're not sure. Most of the time you can learn people's pronouns contextually, by hearing how other people refer to them.
Otherwise, it's better to use they/them unless you have evidence otherwise. Looks isn't evidence. It's not the worst thing to assume once and be wrong, but if you're aiming for inclusivity it's better to not assume
Yeah. Good point. But I think OP shouldn't worry about specifying his pronouns IRL, but what you say is a good general approach.
People who actually care about pronouns will tell you theirs.
To add to this, I have yet to meet a person in the real world who gives a shit about pronouns. I swear the whole thing is just an online phenomenon used to get people to fight over nonsense.
Most people don't have to care about pronouns. For a small subset of people the gender of their brain does not match the gender they appear as. Passing as your preferred gender can take years and is mostly down to genetics. So non-passing trans people will ask others to use their pronouns so they can socially transition before they pass. And that isn't even mentioning non-binary people. The reason cis people specify their pronouns is to normalize it for trans people who don't have a choice.
Honestly, I think that if I would say "my pronouns are he/him", people would think that's a weird thing to say and would think something like "oh, it's one of those woke people".
Where I live, the people that tell you about their pronouns are a minority, and they are usually people that need to tell you their pronouns to avoid confusion, or people that are particularly active in the "woke" community.
For 99% of the people you meet, it's fair to assume pronouns because it's obvious. And if your assumption was wrong, they can just tell you. No need to get butthurt over it.
Saying "my pronouns are..." without anyone asking for them is just ridiculous in my opinion. Like, what are people going to say 5 years from now? "My name is ...., my pronouns are ..., my ethnicity is ..., I live in ... and my favorite color is ...."?
What a dumb way to start a conversation. You know, the whole point of a conversation is that you ask and answer questions, or share things you like to share. We don't need to share everything in the introduction sentence, including pronouns. It's just pointless most of the time.
To be clear: if anyone wants to tell me their pronouns right away, all good, I won't dislike you for it. Just don't expect the same from me, just assume my pronouns and I'll be happy to correct you on the off chance that you're wrong.
I've been to conferences where the name tag has a place for pronouns but most people don't fill them out. 99% of the time it's safe to assume the pronouns you believe are correct, are correct. If you get told otherwise use the preferred pronouns in the future. If someone freaks out over it after one mistake that's their problem.
You can also get around pronouns by just using names. I find i rarely need to use pronouns.
Just one thing to add, people freaking out is extremely uncommon. I haven't even heard about a case IRL, even for trans people it isn't something that tends to happen.
Don't be afraid to just guess when you are unsure, you can always ask though and at least for younger generations it isn't seen as weird or unpolite to do so
The only place it happens is in conservatives' minds and when people make the "mistake" on purpose.
And as a bonus linguistic fun fact:
Everyone is they/them until you find out otherwise
Or at least that's how I was taught English
"I went to see a doctor about my headaches today."
"Oh good, what did X say?"
Anyone that doesn't use 'they' here either has more information than I provided or is a bit sexist.
Mostly it's chill - don't worry about it. If you make an honest mistake, no sane person will think less of you for it. The real faux pas people keep running into is usually just being a cock about this. It's reasonably easy to avoid.
You likely don't need to tell anyone IRL. You're a guy, so he/him is natural. Nobody's likely to even ask. Same applies if it's obvious online, otherwise feel free to add it in your profile or something.
And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out ? Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?
Most people are cis (etc) anyway, so the obvious guess is mostly safe. You rarely need to refer to anyone by a pronoun before they're introduced to you. In that case it's "they" - perfectly normal, native English for centuries, which people sometimes forget. Then, if someone's introduced as "Bob" he's probably fine with "he" etc.
If you're worried about getting it wrong, I'd just wait for a name or refer to them some other way.
I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?
IRL that's unlikely, neopronouns are pretty niche even on the internet. He/she/they will do in the vast majority of cases. People who insist on one of the other ones are fairly rare.
Hello! Resident Genderfluid person here. Usually you can just ask their name and that works to get them to give you the greeting they like. They look like a James, but give you the name Samantha? Probably safe to use she/her unless doing so has them ask you to use something else. IRL, at least.
Online? It's usually in a bio or they will tell you if it is functionally relevant. The only people I (anecdotally) have seen devolve into scree when accidentally misgendered were people trying to start something or acting for the sake of poisoning the well.
As far as using non conventional pronouns irl, you probably haven't heard it since it is genuinely dangerous to be outed in a lot of places. Look up gay/trans panic laws. It's dangerous to be queer in America with Conservatives having so much sway right now.
I’m just a straight male. Are my pronouns he/him?
Probably. Straight is the wrong word here - that refers to your sexuality, not your gender identity. A straight male is into women. But a straight male could also have pronouns other than he/him. Usually, a cisgender male uses he/him pronouns, but not always. Cisgender is a word that means that your gender identity matches your assigned gender at birth - e.g. not transgender
Is that how I should tell people?
Yes, the best way to do it is part of your introductions, like, “Hi, I’m Blake, my pronouns are he him”. Usually people don’t “say” the slash, it’s just a space, but you can say it if you want.
Do you actually tell them as you meet them ?
It’s up to you. If I am meeting someone 1:1 for the first time, I probably wouldn’t unless they did first. I always do it when I’m introducing myself to a group.
Do I have to wait for a certain social cue ?
The only social cue is simply, “what are your pronouns?”. Ideally, we (cisgender folk) should be trying to make it easier for transgender/non-binary people by sharing our pronouns, even if they would be obvious to most people - I’m a hairy, 6’4” bear, most people can tell I identify as male, but if I say my pronouns are he/him or any/all pronouns (I don’t mind which pronouns people use for me) it makes it less awkward for trans people or gender non-conforming (GNC) folk to do so.
How about online. Should I tell people or have it on my personal profile somewhere?
It’s up to you, nobody will expect it from you - it’s personal information after all. If you’re comfortable sharing it, then you can put it anywhere you like, including on your profile, or you can share at the point it becomes relevant.
And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out?
Either they tell you, or you ask them! It’s better if you avoid trying to guess. If you need to use a pronoun and you haven’t been told them, go with they/them.
Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ?
Nope, not at all! No one is expecting you to know their pronouns before they tell you, or you ask.
Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?
Usually not - most of the time, you probably can guess from gender expression, and you wouldn’t cause any offence. If there is even 1% doubt in your mind though, you should definitely just ask. Even if you’re 99.99% or even 100% sure, it’s good to ask anyways. The more we normalise people asking and sharing pronouns, the less awkward it becomes for everyone!
I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?
In my experience, it’s pretty uncommon, but it does exist. Usually they’re used by people who don’t really feel comfortable identifying as exclusively male or exclusively female, or by people who want to subvert or oppose the usual gender binary.
Hope this helps, thanks for being open with your questions and for trying to make the world a better place! If you have any other questions just ask.
Yes, your pronouns are he/him :)
Generally, people are pretty chill about it. If you are unsure how to refer to someone, you can always just call them by their first name or something else (the barista at the front counter, the person in the yellow sweater, etc!)
I wouldn't overthink it, most people are totally cool if you get it wrong, especially if you show a willingness to get it right from then on. Queer people just wanna be treated like everyone else :)
-queer guy living in the gay district
Getting someone's pronouns wrong once really isn't too big of a deal. What's more important is how you react to being corrected and using what they ask you to going forward.
I still don't know a good way to ask people their pronouns. Or rather I haven't had to do it often so I don't have much practice still so I still feel weird. Sometimes I get nervous that asking someone their pronouns might even make them feel like they don't pass as the gender they want to present as. I've talked about this with people and the advice I've been given is that the best way to do it is to introduce yourself with your own pronouns. I still haven't really had much opportunity to do it so not sure how to make it flow conversationally but the idea is that you're giving everyone the opportunity to do the same plus it lets them know that you won't react poorly to hearing someone tell you their pronouns.
I've really only met one person who prefers they/them and a couple of she/they folks. The trans people I have met all pass well enough in my brain that I don't have to consciously try to use the correct pronoun. It just takes some effort to get used to.
Back in, say, 2016 or so there was a meme about "did you just assume my gender?" It was always a caricature and it seems like most people either want you to assume it or are okay if you get it wrong so long as you correct yourself once they correct you.
I make assumptions say what i think if im corrected then sure ill refer to u how u want. And when people get mad for me assuming they can get fucked and grow up they are juat words and if words hurt u that bad uve got bigger problems than ur pronouns.
Are my pronouns he/him?
Probably. Your pronouns are what you want them to be. If someone says "I saw shapis at the park yesterday, but he looked busy so I didn't say hi to him," are he and him what you want in those positions?
(I'm going to assume you're a he/him for the rest of this, but if you want something else let me know and I'll edit the post.)
Is that how I should tell people?
Yeah, you'd say "my pronouns are he/him."
Do you actually tell them as you meet them? Do I have to wait for a certain social cue?
In person, it comes up in group meetings where people are making an effort to be inclusive, typically gender diverse or far left crowds. Someone will mention it, or people will just start doing it. You don't have to be the first person to start adding pronouns. But if you're in a crowd with someone you know would appreciate it, it'd be nice to start it on your own (without singling them out).
The most awkward option is that you introduce yourself without pronouns, then it goes around the room and people start; in that case just pipe up and say yours are he/him.
How about online. Should I tell people or have it on my personal profile somewhere?
Having it in your profile online is a good idea. Online it's way more important, since it also combats "there are no girls on the internet."
And about respecting other people's pronouns. How do i figure them out? Is it a big faux pas if I don't before I know them? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?
If someone has a gender presentation you can't figure out, ask. If you're pretty sure, guess. It's a minor faux pas to get it wrong, but it's within the realm of the inevitable awkwardness of human interaction, just say sorry once, correct yourself, and move on. Think of it as being as rude as accidentally stepping on someone's foot. (Think about how rude that'd be if you kept doing it though.)
I've never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?
It is very rare, but they're out there. People with really unconventional pronouns (I've met a fae/faer) are going to understand if you have to slow down when talking about them. Generally they're chosen by people whose gender identity is nonconventional enough that they're willing to put up with the hassle to get something that feels more right to them.
he and him what you want in those positions?
I had never stopped to think about this. I guess the answer in my partícular case is I literally don't care which ones they use. Hm. Not sure what that means.
Thank you for the detailed comment.
in my partícular case is I literally don't care which ones they use. Hm. Not sure what that means.
Some people don't have internal gender feelings and just go with whatever they were assigned at birth out of convenience. I actually started that way and slowly drifted to feeling like my assigned gender much later in life.
Other times, someone realizing that is the first sign they're trans. If you ask a group of trans people, that'll probably be some of their origin stories. But I don't think it's actually that common overall (trans people are rare!). So what I'd recommend to you, and the other five people reading this that identify with your statement, is that you all sit down and think about your gender feelings a bit, so the trans one can get on with her life.
But anyway, pronouns options for the "assigned male but I don't care" crowd are he/him, he/them, they/them, he/him/any, and any. For that last one, in a crowd where people are saying pronouns, you'd just say "any pronouns are fine". (Long time hexbears know I used to rock the he/him/any.)
seconding this. i started as not caring. realised im non-binary but still don't really care. pronouns don't really bother me, as for me, how other people view and refer to me doesn't really affect my internal feelings on my gender. obviously this isn't the case for all trans people, some definitely want to be seen and referred to as their self-id gender.
IMO, I think the world is going to transition to using they/them for gender unspecified folks. I've been practicing using they/them in written and spoken communications, and it comes off a lot less strange than you'd think.
Many other answers emphasizing to be on the considerate side are good. I just want to add two things.
Some folks have said that when the way you present matches your pronouns, you have less need to offer them. Personally, I think it is good to offer them anyways when meeting new people. People don't always present exactly in a way that you might expect their pronouns to indicate. As one example among many, someone may present very femme but prefer they/them pronouns.
This also helps us (you and me both!) unlearn some of our learned gender associations and habits of inferring gender based on appearances. It can sometimes be unpleasant to deal with someone that's clearly trying to figure out their gender identity visually or by voice, etc - trans or not. For an extreme example, there are even cis people getting harassed about which bathroom they're using (the one aligning with their gender) based on reactionary assumptions.
Finishing up that topic, offering your own pronouns is also a way of letting others know it's okay to be more open around you, that you are a bit safer than the average person. This can be most impactful, imo, for people who are trans or questioning but who aren't out yet. A lot of folks are struggling at that point in their lives and it can really help to know who is safer.
My final thought is that when you don't know someone's identity, it's good to get in the habit of using their name or they/them. If it's a real person irl, then you'd still want to ask for pronouns soon-ish. Occasionally, they/them-ing someone can also become unpleasant, though usually it'll be obvious from context (e.g. someone who is trans and strongly prefers he/him might perceive continued they/them to be a form of harassing them). Grabbing pronouns soon-ish avoids any awkwardness.
I wouldn't ask someone their pronouns as a conversation opener because it makes some folks uncomfortable. For example a trans person might wonder something like "Do they ask that of everybody? Do I not pass?" if "passing" is something they care about.
It's better to just correct mistakes when you make them. It's also just something you'll pick up automatically talking with people they know, and like here where the hypothetical person's pronouns are ambiguous you can fall back to they. And when taking to the person themselves you are going to be using you anyway.
This is why saying your pronouns even if you’re obviously cis is cool and good bc it normalizes it
Pronouns are largely used to refer to people in the third person. As such I will never declare my pronouns because they aren't for me to use, they're for other people to use to refer to me. As such they should use whatever pronouns deliver maximal clarity for the listener.
I will respect others' pronoun preferences because I'm not an asshole, but when people start trying to tell me that I'm being bigoted by not stating my own pronouns, they can fuck off.
If your friends refer to you as he/him, and you are happy with that, then those are your pronouns. E.g., "this is my friend so-and-so, he went to x college, but you being a y fan won't bug him" would be someone using he/him pronouns for you.
Mine are he/him. I don't bother telling people this on profiles, but I am cis and male-presenting, so people meeting me irl always guess my pronouns right.
On introductions: one totally cool option is to suggest introductions, start with introducing yourself and add your pronouns. This will alert others that you are gender-conscious, which will be welcome by queer and queer-friendly people.
Don't fret over it, in the same way you wouldn't fret about whether someone is a vegetarian or not. "Would you like some nuggets?" "Oh I'm vegetarian but thanks" "oh ok cool, I'll remember in the future."
Likewise, "hey did you like his idea?" "Oh actually I'm a they/them" "oh ok, I'll remember in the future."