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How to get over it and move on without being numbed out? (lemm.ee)

submitted 2 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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so I decided to no longer speak to my ex because we were actually very close still even after breaking up but he was giving me less attention and wasn’t there anymore. Wouldn’t properly listen to me and stuff and it made me feel belittled. We stopped talking 5 days ago but it ended kind of petty way so I messaged him a long message yesterday being thankful and stating why and when I got hurt and that I am proud of him for other things. He did the same. He did mention that he’s more appreciative of me after not talking for a bit and he see’s how much I care and he’s embarrassed by the way he had acted and all of those things. He regrets not calling me his “girlfriend” and all of that. But now we are done since we haven’t texted since the closure. He knows how much I tried to make things work and he said he felt like an idiot for not seeing that blah blah.

I am getting over it but I think what hurts most about this closure is that he states all of these things but then again if he wanted to make things work or regrets anything in any way, why not try? Or try before? U know? He holds such a big amount on my heart and it breaks me so much to see all my effort gone to waste and someone never fighting for me. I just want someone to fight for me and want me regardless. If you want something, you do everything you can to take it. He just wasn’t emotionally mature and it sucks.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Disclaimer: I speak as a 50+ (French) dude happily sharing his life with his spouse for the last 25+ years and counting.

I am getting over it

This may take time. What you need to not do is ruminating. Once a story is over, no matter how heartbreak it feels, it's over. The more time you spend grooming your nostalgia and regrets, the harder it will be to move on.

If you want something, you do everything you can to take it. He just wasn’t emotionally mature and it sucks.

I will completely disagree with this. Maturity is not doing whatever is required to get whatever it is one wants. Even less so in a relationship. Accepting the other is not the perfect faultless ideal person one may dhave dreamed of and then being able to listen and accept the other's limits, doubts, fears and, obviously, feeling that it's ok to share yours as well, is what maturity is supposed to be. At least that's how I see it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago

I agree. But he wasn’t emotionally mature. He left when things got slightly hard. Maybe for the better. I forgave him for when he hurt me. But he couldn’t deal with his emotions.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

This is one where the passing of time will really be the only thing that helps. A breakup like that is essentially a grieving process in my experience. When I was younger and still dating I found that trying to lose myself in something (anything) helped after a painful one like this. Movies, games, walks, time with friends, reading - whatever switches your brain off from the grief for a while.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you absolutely made the right call. Being with someone that's not emotionally there for you (and in particular, anyone who is belittling) is very, very wearing and detrimental to both your mental health and self confidence. It can be a tough call, but breaking up is the right one.

When you've had a chance to gather yourself you will hopefully meet someone more suitable who will be emotionally available, empathetic and fight for your relationship.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 days ago

He just wasn’t emotionally mature and it sucks.

It does, and that’s the lesson for him. A lot of the time, people need to learn the hard way. That’s the only way they grow and change. At least you’re able to see that.

I think virtually everyone who’s been in a few relationships has regrets about how they handled past relationships. In a few years, he’ll look back, and wish he had done things differently.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

From what you said it sounds like it's good and over. Time is all that's left, and time is the only cure for a broken heart. I know it sounds trite and corny but it's true! I've been so broken up it physically hurt. It will be better, and feel better in time.

If you're anything like me you'll always keep a part of your heart for him regardless of what happens. But if you're growing as a person your heart will only grow. And someday soon his section will be a teeny tiny little footnote, something to look back on fondly.

Now the trick is not to make any dumb choices in the immediate future. You're hurting, and it's gonna be real hard not to let that hurt inform your decision making process. My advice: lay low. Hang with some good friends, eat some junk food. Spend a couple of weeks doing nothing. You know you're truly ready to move on when, in those idle moments, your bored rather than hurt.

Good luck and lots of love!!!!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago

I know time heals. I was in a relationship 4-5 years ago that lasted basically 3 years, much longer. That one took me 2 years to get over tbh. Still think about it here and there. I don’t have much friends tbh, the one main friend I have I feel like she’s not rlly there u know? Emotionally wise. I try to talk but it’s always the same thing and I feel bad. But I love being alone.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I feel like a certain amount of numb might be the best thing for you right now. The relationship is over. He is not going to give you what you want, but you keep trying to draw him back in. You're keeping your own wounds open. The fact that he's not emotionally healthy enough to cut you off doesn't make your behavior any healthier.

You said you want someone to "fight for you." What does that mean? Fight who? You're not a princess locked in a storybook castle, are you? Real life isn't a fairytale. It's not a movie. Real love isn't about drama. It's about just normal caring. Until you can rescue your own mind from the bullshit Hollywood has fed you, you will have a very hard time being part of a genuinely loving relationship.

Cut this dude loose. Look after yourself. Let your princess out of her tower, so she can live in the real world.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 18 hours ago

I know. The urge to text just upsets me. Like I got drunk today and all I want to do is cry in his arms because of how much pain I’m in. I want to be okay. I want me and him to be okay. I wish things were different but I know this is real life and I need to carry on. And I know I’m not a princess waiting for my savior but all I wanted in life was someone to want me and put in the effort. I never felt that growing up. The only times was from me and my ex in the years but I’m always just saddened by it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 days ago

People show you how they feel. If it seemed like your partner didn't care, that's probably the case.

If feeling wanted and valued is your prime criteria, don't compromise. I'm not going to promise that you'll find that, but I can promise that it's easier to find happiness alone than with something you settled for behind sunk-cost.

[–] pastermil 0 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Sadly in most cases your only options would be between numbing yourself out and going insane.

You can try to find another one like him ASAP, but that's just one way to numb yourself out.

If I were you, I'd choose to numb myself out in the least toxic and destructive manner. You still have your future to think about after all.

So, if I were to do drugs, it wouldn't be the ones that might result in me killing somebody or cause permanent bodily damage one way or another.

Then at some point, you'll be able to look back and say that it's all just a childish affair.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

How does going insane look like? What do I do? I feel both right now and it hurts. It’s hurting more after the closure too

[–] pastermil 1 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Keep in mind that I'm just an internet stranger to you. You'd probably want to talk to your IRL folks as well.

With the closure, at least you know there's no going back. So you can only move forward from here.

Going insane looks different for everyone. I can't tell you what it looks like probably because I wasn't looking at myself back then.

I guess setting up a good environment for you to recover in would be the best you can do. This means surrounding yourself with the good people (i.e. try not to push them away), and staying away from the bad ones. Your conscience (not your emotions) could be of help here.

Having some activities would go a long way as you'd be thinking what's in front of you instead of pondering all the what-ifs.

I wish you all the best!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

Trust me, the internet strangers have helped me so much in life compared to therapy and my own friends. I rlly only hang out with one girl but to be honest, I don’t feel like she’d actually there when I talk about things. I notice it’s always her agreeing to what I say but never solid truthful advice. If I said one thing she agrees, if I switch up, she agrees. It’s just not even worth talking about anymore. That’s why I come here, I’m able to speak my mind and all my thoughts with absolutely no shame and I get solid advice from so many perspectives and I love it.

I got a meet-up app that has many community events and activities/hobbies for people who wanna join but I’m a bit nervous to start conversations with people, I’m not the best at it. But I do wish I was more of a people’s person so I can attend these and have stuff to look forward to.

[–] pastermil 1 points 9 hours ago

Community events where you get to talk to people would be the way to go! I haven't really gotten the chance these days now that I've settled down, but I used to.

You can start simple and surface-level, without going into much about yourself. If some of these people think you're weird, then well, that's too bad, perhaps it's just not meant to be and it's time to move along. Tho you can't be anonymous like in here, chances are, you won't meet these people if you stop going, so it's a bit like this place.

Speaking of, your instance (lemm.ee) is shutting down, not sure if you're aware of it. Might wanna make a new account on another server (assuming you wanna remain on Lemmy).

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 days ago

I know. I don’t numb out toxic wise, it’s more so I begin to feel less for people who try to act all “cutesy” with me. I’ve had guys try to pretend they’re sweeet and say things like “I’ll treat u better” but oh those are the ones who end up being the worst lol. I know I don’t deserve anything less ever so I hope to find someone who will give me the world and more. But I’m scared I won’t feel anything for them. I knew someone awhile back and he was very sweet and treated me very kind, kissed my head, my hand, always opened the door for me, dinner dates, etc. but I wasn’t physically attracted to him as much and things just ended. I have been craving physical intimacy as well but I just don’t want to seek that from someone random but it’s so hard to.