The Onion and other satire w/ layers

After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resentment after hours spent roughhousing, fighting, and bashing each other’s heads into the sideboards.

Though many doctors suggest seeking immediate medical attention after far more minor head injuries than those sustained during a game, hockey experts are just happy to see the players are being such good sports.

“They really gave it their all tonight,” Panthers head coach Paul Maurcie said about his players as they struggled to grab their opponents hands. “You love to see it.”

Fans have been disappointed by the lack of injuries in recent games, complaining that if the players can remember their names by the end of the match, are they really even trying? [...]