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Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren't really friends anyway.
I told everyone she cheated on me too which backfired amazingly lol
She told everyone I requested an open relationship so it didn't count
Master manipulator
I mean, basically you failed to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with other people is the problem. Did you ever open up to your friends about anything before your break up? Did they ever open up to you, or come to you with their problems? Did you have friends who were "your friends" who you often hung out with while she didn't?
I'm a guy. I have male friends. I would support them in an instant if they were going through a breakup. I would expect my male friends (and my female friends) to do the same. Is this rare or weird? I dunno. I'm just me. I don't have experience living anyone else's life. But I'd recommend finding some friends who can form a support network for you whether or not it is "normal". If it's normal, be normal. If it isn't, fuck being normal. Go be weird.
Sounds like that toxic relationship continued through divorce with her making everyone "take sides" and stealing all support. Can't give you any advice, you could reach out to some of your closest friends... Or, just start fresh with new people.. like, moving to a new city or neighborhood.
Good luck! Stay safe and strong :)
I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn't really notice that she'd slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it'd be better if I just wasn't around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn't easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I'd left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I'm happily married to an amazing woman who's provided me with an equally amazing child and it's hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.
Obviously our situations aren't the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won't. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren't true friends.
Thank you for the words man
Shitty friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.
People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.
I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.
I increasingly believe that everything everyone does is for a reward of some kind. Even if it's only feeling good about yourself, or belief in some imaginary after-life reward. If being good is being selfless, no one is truly good.
Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.
I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.
hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess.
I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I'm not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I've needed to build new roots, and I've had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I'd moved to a new place).
hang in there. I don't really want to say "let yourself move on" because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man's suffering. There's something in a man's weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it's not about you.
That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial "friendships" for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.
And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that's OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I'm not saying it's your case, it's just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it's not, it's your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There's only so much a friend can do for you. And don't put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.
And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It's one of the worst pains I ever felt. It's almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It's a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.
"nobody cares about a man's suffering" This is simply untrue and I can't take your story seriously after reading this line, it does sound like youve begun to work on some stuff for yourself, but might be some more to go still. I still got shit,
I've watched nearly every man in my bloodline go down the shitty, self hating, misogynistic, alcoholic poor me sad life cycle my entire life. It saddens me most that a lot of these guys had/have great parts about them but choose not to work out their demons, go to a therapist or take accountability for their own actions.
It saddens me the most to watch a man go through life feeling alone, ashamed, and unable to talk about how he is feeling. To watch them chose "masculine" coping, ie: drinking beer and whiskey, while making wife bad jokes and watching action movies to drown out the brain noise. I breifly dated a man who told me he didnt like looking in the mirror because he hated himself so much it made him want to punch the mirror, so he just avoided the mirror. He never went to therapy but came home with a six pack of beer everyday from work religiously. It's fucking sad, and I hope that guy is doing better today.
And to mention, easily a third of the men I have dated/known/or were family, as young boys, were raped. They just stuff it and live with it. No one talks about how often boys are raped by other men, men they are supposed to trust, and they just go on with life internalizing that shit. Its fucked. Dare I say we need a men's me too? Even one guy I dated at one point told me his adopted father had raped him when he was 12, but it only happened once so he forgave it. They acted like a happy family outside of this. My jaw fucking dropped. Then you see the maladaptive habit, he was the type who didn't wash his ass because it could make you gay. Everytime I hear someone making a joke about a man who doesn't wash his ass, I no longer think it's funny. I think he might have been raped as a child. Imo we need larger discourse about it, because the pattern can repeat. Internalized shame is poisen.
It all feels out of my control so I just try and do what I can for the people close to me. All in all, It's okay to make mistakes, its okay to be wrong, a lot of people, all people, many of them struggle admitting they were wrong. It's also not your fault if you were put in a vulnerable situation. It's not a sign of weakness. A lot of time thats the only ticket to a demon free brain is just accepted its okay to make mistakes and be wrong, and its not your fault if a bad thing happened to you as an actual victim.
No one cares about men's mental health, that's ridiculous. I was 13 years old giving my 40 year old alcoholic father pep talks on how to manage his emotions for christsake. Lmao I really thought I could help him then. I could not-
I have always cared, and many other women do too. But no one knows whats going on unless you use your voice. I've watched so many men suffer over the years. It pains me as much as anyone elses suffering, if not more because yall don't build networks for yourself and often it doesn't feel safe for you to express yourselves, and thats tragic.
I see this rhetoric all the time online and I will fiercely express, I am a woman, and I care. There are others who care too, stop spreading nonsense.
Look, I'm glad you took that off your chest. My point still remains and I won't be shamed into silence. And no, it's not your fault or any gender in particular. Hell, it is a problem of toxic masculinity, and both women and men are to blame.
I'm glad you care and please, keep caring. It does make a difference. Mentalities change one person at a time.
You talk about men "choosing" unhealthy ways to deal with pain and grief. I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it is to be a man. Your intentions may be good but you can never truly understand how lonely male existence is because you haven't experienced it. Same way I can never truly understand what it is being put down and condescended for being a woman, among other things. I see it, and it troubles me, but I never experienced it. I'm not arrogant to pretend I know how it feels.
This is my experience being a man. When you fall apart and become vulnerable everybody runs. Repulse is the right word. You can feel the contempt when you show that weakness. Both in men and women. This isn't a men versus women thing. I'm not talking about SO's running away when we're weak. While it does happen, in my experience a SO is one of the few people you can actually show vulnerability. That, family and, if you're lucky, a few close friends. Beyond that, our society simply isn't wired to accept weakness on a man. It's not men's fault, it's not women's fault, it's the culture itself.
Can it be fixed? I don't know. Either way, I feel frustrated by it and it's my right to voice that frustration.
I know it can be fixed. It takes time for cultures to shift, but there is a solution.
Voice your frustrations, always voice your frustrations. Lead by example and be vulnerable in front of other men. Never silence your voice, I hear you here. Loud and clear.
Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.
Every time I read about male loneliness, see it in my life in other men, I can only relate, as a woman.
I left a DV situation myself, and found no support anywhere. I ended up starting over in a town bout two hours away from where I knew, and it was literally just me and a baby for four years. Some weeks the only conversations I had with another adult were at work, ir standing at a cash register buying something. I had made one friend, but then she had to go and die. I just had no one to rely on or vent to.
One of the hardest times of my life. In '16 I remember messaging my brother, who at this point I honestly think just lost respect for me for being in a DV relationship, so he didn't talk to me much, we had once been close. I remember asking him to come over one weekend, I had a grill and some food and beers, offered him money for gas as he lived an hour away. He told me weekends were girlfriend time (7 year relationship). So I explained I was really low, and no one I knew in my life had known me more than a year, I just would really like to laugh with somone who actually knows me, like my brother, and be like we used to and have a fun night.
He told me bluntly, he does not feel pity for people and he couldn't make it. So cold. I cried like you would when a close family member dies.
I'm watched my husband win the battle with his alcohol addiction. He had a low tolerance socializing before, it's only gotten worse with sobriety. He's picking up a hobby now, and after four years sober, maybe not making friends, but sharing a hobby with other dudes. I encourage him as much as I can to continue this.
I've met many men who keep social, but I've also seen many recluse themselves as they age, and it's nothing new.
I'm a woman, and I have felt gut wrenching loneliness for so many years of my life. My 30th birthday I tried to work overtime, but ended up leaving, going home to an empty house. When you can only spend $15 on frivious things, I chose vodka, cried myself dry on the bathroom floor, alone, for my birthday. No one messaged me. The guy I was dating didnt even know it was my birthday. I've had so many friends pass away too young, and yeah, I protect myself from hurt by not putting myself out there. Im greatful for my husband and son. Loneliness may appear in different ways in different genders, And the media may take that to the extremes. But loneliness is a human thing, it is not gendered
Im sorry OP isnt getting support, I for sure know that sucks. But at least you know whats real and whats not now. Fresh starts are liberating. This is your liberation, and a chance to remake your life in the way you want. I wish OP health and happiness
Unfortunately a lot of people are going to assume you have it under control already and/or would prefer the solitude as you sort through it. That's not the extent of the issue, obviously, but that's a pretty significant compounding factor.
I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
Thank you man.
Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.
There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?
I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.
For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.
Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you
They're not friends, they're acquaintances at best.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.
I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce..... People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
Hey dude, it sucks to be in your position now. Divorce is hard. You feel all alone and it seems the rest of the world just keep moving forward when all you really want is to stop and tend to this big wound that opened up.
People don't want to stop and see this wound you're dealing with because it makes them uncomfortable. I've experienced that the only ones who can empathize are the ones that have gone through something painful such as divorce, or losing a loved one.
I can't say if your existing friends were good/bad, but maybe you guys weren't close to begin with. I lost my "friends" during my divorce, some of it was me culling people out of my life because I realized they were just "fair weather" friends. I also realized that I wasn't a good friend to them either. New friends I made afterwards were closer because i shared my story with them and they accepted me. That's also why I made more friends with older single people, male and females, those who had seen some shit.
I got close with my siblings finally, which was amazing, I told them how I had suicidal tendencies or thoughts too. My family got super worried, but my brother's got close and checked in on me more. I made time for them too.
I know a message from an internet stranger may not mean much, but I wish you strength and kindness as you slog your way through to finding yourself again. You know that child that's deep down? That person that enjoyed doing whatever activity and got tremendous joy out of it? That guy. If you can, please look after that 12 year old version in your soul (hopefully that makes some sense).
May you be well.
Edit: spacing
My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.
Those aren't your friends and never were, good people don't treat each other like this.
Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.
You're still young, there's loads more out there now! I've found as I've got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there's loads to live for man.
You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you
That sounds really tough and I'm so sorry you've been struggling. It's really good that you have a counselor and you're talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I'll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm's anytime.
Without knowing more about you, it's hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.
One possibility: you didn't cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their "intimate relationship energy" into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.
Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.
Maybe it's due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone's in their early 30s, they're probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn't leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don't already have deep ties with.
Maybe it's a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don't teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don't, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.
I'm not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won't help you as much as figuring out what to do next.
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
She's lying to your friends just like she lied to you. I know this from experience. Sucks and it's not your fault man. Sorry to hear.
Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.
Signed, another person with your exact same experience.
Bro. I am gonna be real with you.
I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.
It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.
It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.
It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.
I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.
But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.
If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.
It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.
We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.
