this post was submitted on 01 May 2025
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22
hairy situation with dating (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
19 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

context: i met this girl on tinder who's is on the spectrum, we talked for a bit and then exchanged our ig accounts, but she hasnt replied since. I dont understand what happened, if shes just busy, needs time or lost interest. I have no way to tell and im too scared to ask. What should I do?

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago

Personally, I'd send one more message asking to meet for a coffee date. Maybe frame it as a standing offer she can claim in the future if she doesn't have the capacity for it at the moment.

And then move on with your life and don't wait around expecting a reply.

It shows interest, lets her reply in her own time and if the interest is shared lets you become more than just another chain of messages on tinder.

Pro tip for the future: I always exchange cat/pet pics after switching off a dating app. My cat is cuter than me so might as well use that to my advantage! As a bonus I get more pet pics for my collection!

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)

People randomly stop writing. Just let her go and find the next one. Maybe after like a week or two, ask what's going on.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago (2 children)

very unlikely ill find someone else, im not very confindent about that. Since this happens once in a blue moon for me. Dating has always been very hard for me

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago

Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don't make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you're going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can't feel important. When you're lonely and trying to find someone, it's really hard to get into that mentality, but it's crucial.

A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don't expect anything from it. Don't get your hopes up. It's literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you're still having fun.

Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that's a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful ... but kinda. ish.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 day ago (2 children)

The mindset of clinging to this connection just makes it harder, trust me.

In online dating you have at least a 70% random loss rate that you have no real control over or idea what went wrong. Even in "real" dating, approaching people during hobbies etc, it doesn't work in like 30-50% of the cases where you thought there were sparks.

I know that it's hard, but you'll find someone again. A blue moon happened once, it'll happen again :)

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Yeah, dating is 100% a numbers game. You cast a broad net, and then pick through the ones who show interest. There’s no way to find the right person without failing a few times. The people that end up with their high school sweethearts are the exceptions that got extremely lucky, not the standard to strive for.

Don’t take the failure personally. Unless you’re blatantly going around cheating, being misogynistic, racist, etc., it’s likely not anything in particular that you did “wrong”. It simply means you weren’t a good match. The best thing you can do is simply be the best version of yourself. By that, I mean to avoid just sitting around on your hands, expecting someone to land in your lap. The “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” mentality is extremely toxic; Be the kind of person that your ideal partner would want to date.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

thats true but i guess I'll have to be patient. I realized long ago that the blue moon comes when you don't expect it, every time

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Patience is a virtue, but in this case, sitting on your hands and waiting weeks/months/years until you get another match is not a winning strategy. If you aren't getting many matches, you need to do the things which will result in getting more matches. Which means getting a better tinder profile. Which means becoming a hotter, more interesting guy, and accumulating high quality photos of yourself being hot and interesting.

Any dating advice that doesn't start with "make yourself into the kind of person that the kind of person you want to date wants to date" is garbage advice. In the dating marketplace, you can't be out there looking for "the one" who will just accept you just as you are no matter what. First of all, because these people are incredibly rare. Second of all, because people with such rock bottom standards typically have those standards because they are lonely, because no one wants to date them, because they are walking red flags. And third, because if you ever actually find "the one", you will perpetually live in fear of losing them because "you'll never get a chance like this again", which leads to being a needy little bitch that caters to all their partner's whims.

Don't do that! Just make yourself more appealing, and then you'll have options.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 2 days ago (1 children)

well, i'd suggest you keep waiting for her to message you first, so long as you're okay with never talking to her again. alternatively, you could just message her, not even to ask why the long silence, but just to strike up a new conversation. share a fun fact or something, idk.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)

but then im afraid of coming off as annoying or even creepy. I dont want to break her barriers just bc i want to talk to her, maybe she needs some time. I wrote her and she didnt even respond

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Y'all matched on tinder and traded igs, it isn't creepy for you to message her - that's the whole point!

Wanna know the secret to talking to girls? The secret is that women are very forgiving. They'll forgive you for being annoying, or dumb, or awkward, or creepy, or a jerk. But the one thing they'll never forgive you for is being boring. Hence, the winning strategy with women is to always swing for the fences. Make a dirty joke, or tease her mercilessly, or just fucking ask her on a date! Anything is better than ho-hum fact-sharing conversation!

Here's the thing - right now you're all torn up over whether or not she likes you. Whether or not she is flaking on you. So what do you really want? You want to know. So send her a message where you are completely, unambiguously broadcasting your interest in going on a date with her. Then, forget about her. Send that message, just assume that she is now a dead lead, and move on with your life. And maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

i followed ypur advice, now ill see

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Good, but

now ill see

This is the wrong perspective. What you did was make your intentions clear and unambiguous and put the ball in her court. At this point, you should simply assume she has rejected you and you will never hear from her again. Thank God - now you have removed that uncertainty from your life! You no longer need to check your phone every 30 seconds to see if you've gotten a message.

So now that your mind is free, and your conscience is clear, and you know you did everything you could in this situation, you can focus on something else. Something like making yourself more appealing to more women, and then asking those women out on dates.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 days ago (2 children)

How long has she been silent? Days, weeks, hours?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

I think she has just popped to the toilet.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

two days

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

ask in tinder if she received your request in insta? idk much about how insta works, but it might be some technical issue and she could think you didn't send request

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

she followed me and i accepted, then followed her back, sent a message and an image related to the infodump we shared on tinder (a pic of an okonomiyaki), and she never responded

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 day ago

Probably found someone more interesting. I have matched with some ND people on dating apps but it led to nothing, no even soc media profiles exchange, I had much more luck with neurotypicals.