The original post: /r/amitheasshole by /u/lilLousy on 2025-04-08 12:57:00.
Me (30M) and my partner (29F) just had our first child (6 weeks M). My partner is still on maternity leave for another two months, while I have returned to work (9am-5pm), pursuing a PhD in a Biotech company. Our current routine is that she takes care of the baby while I am at work. When I return from work, around 5.30-6.00 pm, I usually need to unwind for 30 min to 1h before I start my baby shift, which lasts from 7 or 8 pm to 1 or 2 am after which I get to sleep without interruption from 2 am to 8 am (6h) before going to work again. When I put the baby to sleep at 1 am or 2 am, my partner, who went to bed at 7 pm or 8 pm, can usually sleep until 3 am or 4 am (8h) (also ideally uninterrupted, but more expl. below) after which her baby shift starts. I seem to function okay with six hours of sleep, while my partner indicated she needs more than that. I have been trying really hard to facilitate her sleeping at least 8h every night.
However, my partner states that when I get back from work, I should immediately take care of the baby instead of taking a 30-minute to 1h break so that she can go to bed at 7 p.m. sharp and sleep until 2 a.m to then take over. This, in her reasoning, would allow me to go to bed at 1 a.m. instead of 2 a.m., thus getting an hour more sleep and, according to her, "being less grumpy after work and not needing to take an hour break." I don't think that an additional hour of sleep would affect my "grumpyness" much, I just need to unwind for 30min to be less "grumpy
I reason that I have no problem taking care of the baby from 7 p.m. (then she needs to eat and shower, so she's in bed by 8 pm) and then she can sleep from 8 pm to 4 am (8h). However, what usually happens is that my partner awakens between 1-2 am and realizes I'm still taking care of the baby. She then gets mad because "she feels bad for me" (I'm fine) and "needs to take over" even though she only sleeps five hours from 8 pm to 1-2 am. However, I tell her that she doesn't need to worry about me and should continue to sleep until 3 am or 4 am. Yet she says her anxiety doesn't allow her to do that, and that I should just start my shift earlier so that she can then take over.
So in essence, I feel like I am bending over backwards trying to balance working and caring for the baby while only sleeping 6h to facilitate her resting at least 8h (usually more because she can nap during the day where possible). While she feels I should just sacrifice my 30min to 1h unwinding after work so that she can go to bed earlier and inturn take back over earlier.
Thus, AITA for insisting that I need to unwind after work for 30min to 1h so that I am NOT grumpy?