this post was submitted on 11 Mar 2025
663 points (99.1% liked)

The Onion

5534 readers
257 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
 

“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

Economic spokesman for the White House, Chuck Williams, claimed, “People use words like slump, looming economic depression, lowest recorded IQ of any president ever, as though they’re bad things.

top 14 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (3 children)

I wish I could buy stocks right now…

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

We have no idea how far the market will crash.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 16 hours ago (2 children)

I can't just buy in an impulse. I need to study before doing so.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 hours ago

EutelSat, and the European MIC just got a $800b investment. Also, NANC and KRUZ might work. They follow the stock actions of major politicians like Pelosi, though dated by 30-60ish days IIRC. You won't be quite on top of things with them, but at least you will be imitating the moves of the most informed fish.

...mind, if the market tanks, buying and selling might move too quickly for NANC and Kruz to be useful.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 hours ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

To be fair you shouldn’t just be buying stocks and shares randomly. But there is loads of easily available info on ETFs.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 hours ago

Yes, global all cap index is the way to go.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Give it two more weeks and everybody will be able to!

[–] [email protected] 35 points 2 days ago

i always fall down with laughter when u guys do stuff like this!

Please keep it up!

[–] [email protected] 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It's true though, there's a fire sale going on.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago

There's a falling knife going on, with the floor nowhere near.

[–] Ghyste 14 points 2 days ago

Caught this one right away when they used "philanthropist" and "Trump" in the same sentence, and it wasn't "Trump is not a philanthropist".

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 days ago

Good to see a bona fide Onion article instead of the ‘we have the Onion at home’ slop every other media outlet has been pushing lately. Brings a tear to the eye.