this post was submitted on 01 Mar 2025
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[–] [email protected] 4 points 19 hours ago

I will feed you your liquified body parts, staring at the bottom, and working up.

I will fill your colon with cyanoacrylate.

I will give you an enema with the liquified bodies of your family.

I will tickle your family to death in front of you.

I will do all of the above in reverse order.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Like half these are just part of the BJJ experience

[–] [email protected] 3 points 14 hours ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago* (last edited 18 hours ago) (1 children)

Once upon a time I heard a guy scream “I will shit IN you!” and it’s stuck with me ever since.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 19 hours ago

Dubai oligarchs want to know your position

[–] [email protected] 0 points 17 hours ago

I will stir the sedimenter.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 18 hours ago

I tried squeezing my kneecaps. It tickled

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

My personal favorite is "I will walk through you"

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Here's one.

"I'll break half the bones in your body."

Fun fact, half of all bones in the human body are in the hands and feet.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Plus, you get bonus horror from Xeno's paradox. If you break 103, they now have 309 bones, so you only broke a third, requiring you to break more bones and so on and so forth.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

It's late and I don't want to do the math or remember how you could solve the paradox, so I'll just ask it case someone's head is less empty than mine right now. Does that number converge assuming we always break an integer amounts of bones? My belly is telling me it does converge because we went from 0% to ⅓ in the first step and we want to land at 50%.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 19 hours ago

Break every bone once. There are now twice as many bones as you started out with, so you're at 50%.

Don't do this at home.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

It's convergent, but I don't think that fact will matter much after the first few iterations of the series anyway.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 20 hours ago

Hi, I slept and woke up now. Yeah, I can clearly see that now, too. Thanks for the answer.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago

I will own your fingernails.

I will rat king your left shoes.

I will place your skull in my xylophone.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

Don't threaten me with a good time!.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I will make you look yourself in the eye without using a mirror

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

So a selfie camera on a phone then?

[–] [email protected] 19 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I was trying to avoid explicitly saying "I'll make you look yourself in the eye with your other eye" to leave a little something to the reader's imagination. That was my fault. Congratulations, you found a loophole in my wording.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I will turn you into a one-man human centipede

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Is this with clones or more of an ouroboros situation?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I was thinking ouroboros but either works, whatever seems worse to you

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 23 hours ago)

Por que no los dos? A circuitous arrangement of clones with PEG tubes and colostomies would accomplish the best of both worlds.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 2 days ago

My dad used to threaten he would put our head in between two ears when we were really young.

If you say it quickly and harshly enough, it sounds kinda menacing.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I will invert your ribcage

The vikings called that the blood eagle, it wasn't so much unsettling, more like horrifying. (we don't know if it was real or just stories)

[–] didnt1able 7 points 2 days ago

"I will feed you broken teeth"

[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I will take away your healthcare.

I will take away your job.

I will take away your children.

I'll take away your children's protection from preventable diseases.

I'll ruin your children's education by firing most of the oversight and hiring an unqualified person to run the department of education.

I'll cause the things you need to buy to widely fluctuate in price due to tarrifs or the threat of tarrifs.

I'll undermine the government so much they can't get rid of me or my cohorts.

And also I'll boil your teeth. That was a fun one too.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago

They said "unsettling," not "unconscionable."

[–] prettybunnys 5 points 1 day ago

Gonna put tacks in your cereal, in 2 years

[–] [email protected] 17 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I will measure the total length of all the nerves in your body

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

that's gonna be more painful for you

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I will extracts your nerves and use your them to hang you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

I will call your mother and teach her to surveil your search history!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Thankfully they explained this wasn't an exhaustive list, I thought these were all the possible unsettling threats in the English language.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I will pay the tooth fairy to put other people's teeth in your mouth

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

You have a gift, my friend.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 days ago

I'll sew your asshole shut and keep feedn ya and feedn ya - Method Man