The original post: /r/amitheasshole by /u/Rare_Age1695 on 2025-02-20 15:38:36.
My partner and I got into an argument because they talk about other people behind their backs, people we consider friends.
I understand the need to vent or make observations, but they will say things like, “they are a try hard.” It makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t like to focus on the negative things, or perhaps I’m just terrible at reading people. I tried to tell them it’s the way they communicate those thoughts, and that if someone were to say those things about me, I would be hurt.
They think it’s just an observation and that they should be able to vent about these things. They said they would just have these discussions with someone else, so I just said fine.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this.
EDIT:
Thanks to everyone for their comments. I don’t believe my partner is talking poorly about me, in fact I know they talk about me with high praise to others.
For those asking for more context/examples, it has happened several times, and sometimes it can be hard for me to understand when they are venting and when they are judging. Most of the time, they are observations on someone’s character, or they can pick up on what they think are someone else’s insecurities and then tell me about them. In this recent example, it was that this person was a “try hard” and they try to be more manly because they are insecure about their size. I didn’t particularly think this was a constructive conversation to have, and felt uncomfortable about it. I also don’t pick up on the same thing, I just think this person works hard, and likes to network/create friendships and make a good impression on people. Yes, he’s not tall but I don’t think that means he’s insecure about it.
I told my partner I didn’t want them to not talk to me about their thoughts, but if they say something that crosses the line or makes me uncomfortable, I will let them know. And my partner isn’t constantly talking about other people, they do say a lot of nice things about our friends as well. I guess I made this post because I was wondering if I was in the wrong, but in this situation, I think we are both right. It’s good to have conflicting thoughts and different opinions as long as they are discussed in a respectful way. I suppose I have an insecurity against strongly opinionated people, especially when it is my partner.
Also, most people assuming my partner is female because they are complaining and judging are incorrect. I used they/them to keep it neutral.