My husband and I have been together for 19 years. In that time he has met my dad exactly once. As we’re standing on the front porch, watching my dad drive away after the visit, he turns and looks at me and says “now I get it”.
this post was submitted on 12 Jan 2025
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I am sure that felt validating
Oh my gosh yes. My dad is a complex person, I do have a lot of sympathy for him, but that only goes so far. The healthiest way I’ve found is a sporadic email convo a few times a year.
I had a pretty fucked up childhood and hadn't spoken to most of my family since 12-13 aside from funerals. My wife got an invite to the family Christmas party of Facebook and decided it would be good to go. The night before my mom called and told me that one of my uncles was trying find my other uncle so he could kill him, which is pretty par for the course.
We go to this Christmas party, I'm nervous and playing out all the ways it could go horribly wrong. What do you know, no one is drunk, there's games for the kids, almost everyone there got gifts for my son and we even got gifts for our second on the way. Not a single altercation that I saw, not even a casual "fuck you". All of the alcoholic, mentally ill, rage filled relatives that I remember are now old, properly medicated and mostly sober.
I felt like I was in the twilight zone. My wife came up to me at one point and said everyone's so nice especially that guy and I had to tell her he once beat the shit out of me with a bat, breaking my leg and cut my shoes up with a knife all because I left them in the middle of the floor and he tripped over them.
It was absolutely wild but not in the way I thought it would be.
Wow, sorry you went through that as a kid. I’ve experienced something similar where someone I know had mellowed out with age, but it’s hard to just left their prior bad behavior be bygones, even though I don’t fight or actively hold any grudges lol
Give me some hope for me at least, maybe I'll turn out decent 😔
You do not need to be a victim of your environment. Choose who you want to be, and be that person. Don't give dysfunctional people power over you by letting them shape who you become. Good luck, we're all counting on you.
Apparently it can also cause a break up when your SO decides they don't like your family.
That can be important, if your family is important to you. A long term relationship generally/traditionally carries an expectation of some bare minimum level of relationship with (or at least tolerance of) your SO's family.
That's why people deserve to choose their family
Some of us do this. I wish more people would.
I remember one time my ex spent a whole week at my home, when I was still living with my mom. At some point, while my mom was away to buy groceries, my ex said "Oh my god, you have the patience of a saint!" and went on to complain about my mom and asked me how I endured that - I just pointed at my room and said "I avoid her as much as I can"
Growing up is realizing your family is the reason why you're a weirdo
Eh... I issued heavy disclaimers before my wife met my family, because I am very different from them.
Perhaps you're way different because of how they are, and bringing your SO to meet your family still highlights how that came to be.