this post was submitted on 01 Oct 2024
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[–] [email protected] 67 points 3 months ago (1 children)

"A Satanic portal? At this time of year! At this time of day! In this part of the country! Localized entirely above the White House?!?"

"Yes"

"May I see it?"

"No"

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

“No, no, no. I said steamed hams.”

[–] [email protected] 31 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

Can you run doom on it though?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

If someone can boot Linux on an Intel 4004, anything is possible!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

If it has any capacity to process information, yes.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 3 months ago (3 children)

a Satanic portal

That's a bit vague. What exactly are we talking about here?

A portal that worships Satan? A portal of Satan's making? Is it a portal that only Satan himself can use, or can anyone can use it and it leads them directly to Satan's location, or magically turns them Satanic upon using it?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago

A portal in the style of Satan. Essentially fiery goth.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

A copy of the game Portal previously owned by Satan.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

These are the scientific questions we really need to be asking. We'll get our best people on it. The very best, they say. We'll go hands waving "wifty wifty wifty" and boom, we'll understand which democrat is on top of this satanic portal situation.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago

Good. That's why kids are so lazy these days. Back in my day battling demons and carrying a flask of holy water taught us a thing or two about life. I for one welcome the pro satanic portal stance of this administration.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago (3 children)

The most terrifying part of this, is that the words “Satanic Portal “ doesn’t immediately cause people to stop and say WTF?!!?

[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 months ago

This is what religion does to a brain.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I’m saying WTF.

Everybody knows that Hell is down below us, and portals to Hell or Satan would open up on the ground and not in the sky where Heaven is located. Like, duh, man.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

If you’re not reading the Bible, then it’s more lies from ~~Joe Biden~~ Satan.

Not today ~~Joe Biden~~ Satan!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

So which is it? Joe Biden is a demented old man, or the right hand of Satan.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

The enemy is both strong and weak.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago

Wouldn’t that technically be over the Biden Regime?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Or as I like to call it, the Devil's Butthole.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You should call it something else

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Mephistophele's Third Brown Eye?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Magical Sphincter Mistoffeles.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

So I thought this must have been a tongue in cheek comment but I saw the actual video and it seems he's actually serious, as is the maga host interviewing him (Eric Metaxas):

"It's still there?"
"It's still there."
"Ok, that's nuts. Like how has the media not covered this?"
"The media doesn't cover a lot of things that are true."

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

wow I would not imagine it to be so nuts, they even add a minimal dose of skepticism to make it sound genuine.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Wouldn't a Satanic portal be below the White House?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

What if it opened in the sky on the south side of the White House lawn?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

I walked by the White House last week and that's actually exactly what's going on. I thought it was kinda nuts that the media isn't covering it

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago

Excellent.

They've ignored the bigger one over Mt. Rushmore.

rubbs fingers together excitedly

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

All of this wouldn't have happened if people just remembered to close the damn adrenochrome vat after use!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Come on, I've apologized for the release of those interdemensional entities so many times. What more do you want from me?!?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

Cool, Stone was/is trying to bring back the Satanic Panic. /s

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

I'm pretty sure the moon was always there.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

"You must understand, it was for the benefit of mankind, I assure you!".

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

I call bullshit. If there was really a satanic portal there, it would be plastic death metal at all hours.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

“I wonder if he knows all he has to do is let the Secret Service know he's just going to the portal to get home and they’d let him through. I’d tell him myself…. Except I’d really rather he stayed over there….”

-satan, almost certainly.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

so the whitehouse staff got stoned? woopdedoo

[–] [email protected] -2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

If any other conservative said that, I'd laugh it off. But if anyone knows about satanic stuff, it's Roger Stone. This is like getting Star Wars spoilers direct from Dave Filoni.