My biggest actual goal with raising my kids. I wanna make sure they want to come home and hang. Okay, maybe second biggest after the obvious "making sure they're an individual who is equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves."

As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can't deny there's occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It's one that never crosses my mind.

Like I'll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that's always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I'd nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can't really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games... It just feels strange.

Mine too! He may not have the best grades, but he is cool, and kind, and just overall a really amazing person.

You're absolutely right, but I think the dad's reply wasn't focused on the kids' states per se and more on his perception of whatever they are. He loves his kids and wants to be around them because they are nice/good people, which he casually summarizes as "cool". I read it like his perspective, not theirs.

This is what I do with my son. He is truly kind to all people and animals, and I praise that all the time. Our world needs more kindness.

glancing over my shoulder while clutching a baggy under my jacket

"Yeah, that's great but are they going to narc?"

I worked so hard to impress my parents.

After my first semester of college I started getting depressed. I didn't know it was depression at the time...but it's very obvious in retrospect.

At some point I had to sell a car. By matter of coincidence, a few years later I found a blog by the buyer about his progress in restoring the car (of all things, a 1990 Volvo 740GL Wagon...not really an impressive car except that it cannot be killed. But I guess there's a niche for everyone on the Internet).

In it he had a post about the day he picked up the car. My dad handled the transaction with this complete stranger and apparently my dad felt the need to vent for 10 minutes about how much of a deadbeat loser I was.

I wasn't trying to be a deadbeat loser at the time. I was just severely depressed, and they were completely ignorant of it. Even when I said I think I'm depressed, they said in typical boomer fashion to get up on time and take a walk and I'd magically feel better. And that was the same advice I got from my damn doctor.

So must be cool for your parents to think you're cool. Now I make it a point to avoid talking to them as much as possible. Not quite no-contact, just a bit of anxiety leading up to calling them, and a bit of a letdown when they call me and it's not to tell me one of them is dead.

Of course you would want a balance, ideally speaking.

Being nerdy and getting good grades doesn't preclude being cool, especially not these days.

Eh, I think it's good to make sure kids don't pin their self esteem on anything overly tangible.

Grades are something that's inherently tied to cultural capital. If your parents are able to teach you the skills needed to succeed in academic subjects, you're going to do better. Pinning kids' self worth to grades often leads to kids with disadvantages like a disrupted home life becoming disillusioned with the education system and suffering as a result.

I got good grades; I do not think the grades themselves are anything to be especially proud about. What's more important is the effort that went into getting them, and that's something more worth focusing on.

A parent saying they think their kid is cool is a value judgement from their perspective. They have a child they enjoy spending time with and with whom they have a good relationship. That's something that I think anyone can get behind.

I don't think it's "cool" the way like...90s teen movies meant cool. I think it's more like, "are they a kind person who is enjoyable to be around?" You can have other achievements that look good on paper and be cool. You can be an awkward dork and still be cool in that sense. Unfortunately, some parents prize the resume over raising a decent human being, and some kids end up being assholes, which is not cool at all.

As an incredibly and habitually nerdy kid none of my nerd shit had been an obstacle to my parents thinking I'm rad. I taught and ran my Mom through a D&D campaign over Covid...

Also I don't think a parent who adopts the 'Is your kid cool" mentality is looking to make it another vector to disparage kids but to open adults minds to actually appreciating their kids as people not just little self congratulatory vicarious vindication of success. My parents are not fans of my Brother-in-Law's family because they refuse to look at their son and my sibling as success on any other metric than acedemic or career related successes. They look at their careers in slightly lower paid but fulfilling careers doing things they feel make the world a better place makes them "the dumbest smart people we know"... The fact their son is just fucking awesome in his own merits just never enters their heads (and makes my Mom mad enough to bite through steel.)

Having parents who are cool is a blessing.

Good point. Good personality is trait as is academic success.