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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AdAggressive5910 on 2024-01-24 08:57:58+00:00.
Tldr: want to end 5 year relationship, I've been crying before ive even told her, not sure if making the right choice
We've been dating for over 5 years and in many ways we're perfect for each other. We can spend loads of time together and I don't feel like I'm wasting my social battery, I forget she's another person sometimes. We don't argue often.
The two main reasons I want to end things is: sexual incompatibility and I don't want to get a place with her.
We have sex once every 3 weeks. She has a lower sex drive whereas mine is much higher. We've spoken about it before but nothing changes. If I don't initiate we'll basically have sex once a month. I'm so used to it about to happen then she says later and we don't do anything later. For 4 years I've also had a strong desire to sleep with other girls but I've never acted on it. This is another reason I'm ending it but I won't tell her this as I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to.
We've basically lived together since 2 months into the relationship, except for about 10 months in 2021-22 where I lived in a city an hour away, we saw one another every fortnight. We've been living with her parents for the last year. I don't get on much with her mum, I can't stand her mum. She isn't a horrible person, but she's incredibly suffocating and a people pleaser. I told her one time to not wash my clothes as I want to wash my own clothes. The following day she washed some of my clothes, I said why, she had a meltdown and raised her voice at me saying I won't do anything for anyone. Ever since then I said to myself okay the gloves are off if she's gonna raise her voice at me. Following that we've had two arguments over the course of around 6ish months. I speak to her very little. She's always irritated me, but I reasoned 'Ive never put down a boundary with her since it's her house', but as I was living there and paying rent, I put boundaries down and she just disrespected them. I've waffled here - basically I dislike her mum. I'm also stuck with two cats that I rescued, because I knew the owners who dumped them at a factory. I spent a week physically searching for them, ended up finding both of them. I was only considering keeping one, my gf insisted on keeping the two. They meow excessively an hour before getting breakfast, lunch and dinner. They go outside for some of the day, but as her parents have a cat they mainly stay in our room and hallway section of the house, whilst her parents cat roams most of the house. I've wanted to rehome the 2 cats since January 2023 but my gf doesn't want to.
We'll probably be moving out and renting our own place in the summer but for some reason I really don't like the idea of that. I want to live on my own. I don't like the finality of that. Maybe it's because I haven't lived on my own since I was 19. I don't know if it's fear of commitment bc I've been in a 5 year committed relationship.
I've cried a few times in the last few days knowing the pain I'm going to put her through. The last time I cried was Feb 2019 when my great granny died. I'm usually quite stoic emotionally. She's going to want to try and fix things but you can't fix being sexually incompatible. The fact I've been crying makes me question if I'm making the right decision.
Another thing is there was a girl at work who I liked and I had gotten a strong sign she was potentially interested. I escalated things and basically got rejected. But I know for a fact if she had reciprocated interest, I would have pursed things. This for me is the nail in the coffin. That's not someone who's committed to one person. I know that's a shitty thing to have done. I have a strong feeling if I stay with my gf I will at some point cheat, so I would rather end things than do that to her. But I feel really sad at the prospect of never seeing her again and of absolutely destroying her