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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/1241308650 on 2024-01-23 15:30:31+00:00.
Edit: just a note, my husband absolutely will not see a couples therapist, so i am posting here for insight and ideas outside of going to therapy together, which i agree would be ideal.
My husband (39M) and I (41F) have been married for ten years and together for 15. He's always been known to have a strong personality in that he will be super obsessive about certain things and very extroverted and verbose so if you try to talk to him about something he will go on forever. I love that about him in that he's passionate and can really get to be a self taught expert in things in which he's interested, but there is also a bit of a tedious aspect to that, too.
Sometimes I think he may be a bit on the spectrum due to this trait. The "monologuing" trait that frequently comes up for neurodivergent people is just so incredibly on point about him.
Obviously this is an aspect of us that is a challenge as I have adhd. I frequently get so impatient listening to some of his monologues. He can tell when I get antsy and gets very insulted with me, and I can't say I blame him. On the other hand, it's widely known amongst people that knownmy husband that "once he gets going, settle in!" like good naturedly pointing this out about him. I guess what I am trying to say is that he deserves to feel like what he's saying matters but also, he is so longwinded that any reasonable person struggles with it. He is in sales and he does well there, but in social settings it's a challenge. Once recently our first grader looked at him and told him he needs to "use less words in your stories."
My biggest issue is that he weirdly doesn't seem able to judge *what* to explain at length vs what to just say and move on. Like, he will rattle off technical stuff or acronyms that I or whoever would have absolutely no idea what he's talking about, and he should know this but doesnt seem to, so either you just nod and let him go and you can't follow what he's talking about, or if you disrupt his flow to say wait, what's XYZ? he can sometimes get frustrated.
What's so strange to me about it is that he will, at the same time, OVER explain very basic concepts. Like this morning he was telling me what the garage door people are going to do to our garage door (which btw he has told me numerous times already), which is that they're going to put in a track that goes up higher so the garage door hugs the ceiling more when you open the door.
He starts explaining this all again, in detail, and says "it'll raise it two feet." He then goes on a side bar to explain in excruciating detail what "raising two feet" means. I get fed up and say "i get what it means that the door is two feet higher when open." And he gets mad at storms out, saying he doesnt even know why he talks to me, and why i am unwilling to listen to what he has to say. I say i do want to hear what you have to say, but i get what raise two feet means.
So that's it. This is a frequent occurrence. I am partly venting and partly wondering what I can do here. This happens a lot. He certainly isn't changing. I recognize that this is part of who he is. He is an okay listener when I am talking. I am also a decent listener generally with people.
I just get so impatient when he repeats concepts or overexplains simple stuff while rattling off jargon that obviously means nothing to his audience. Does anyone have a significant other like this? I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like i dont want to hear what he has to say but my patience for this is not great. It's obviously a huge issue in our communication.
TLDR my husband talks/monologues a lot and I get impatient; resentment ensues. How do I deal with this?