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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GigaSnaight on 2024-01-23 20:47:06+00:00.
My wife sees her family twice a week, but they live about an hour drive away. For a while either she or the family have been making the drive, but last year, she approached me about moving to be closer to them.
I moved across the county when my ex-wife got a better job and I saw first hand how lonely and miserable I was without my close friends around, I felt isolated and it was very difficult. When I first met my wife, I had said I never intended to move again, because I knew I absolutely hated that feeling.
So when my wife first approached me, I more or less said no. There would be nothing for me there. I'd give up my job, friends id had since college, my hobby, I felt like I was being asked to lose so much. Due to a medical issue I am unable to drive so I would be very distant practically. Normally we are good at compromise, but we talked and couldn't find one. She said she would drive me down biweekly, but I just can't imagine that, who would want to drive 45 minutes to sit around with little to do for a few hours? Would she really want to drive me down on a Saturday, go home, then pick me up later that day?
Ultimately, it was left with not moving. But I could tell it was hurting her to not see her family as often as she wanted. A month or so later, she "tried" to give me an ultimatum. That is, I could tell immediately she was planning on saying she had to move and she wanted me to come with but she would go regardless. I didn't want her to have to do that, so I cut her off and said we were moving, that was that.
But things are messed up, now. Weve talked since and both know she was ready to offer a "move or divorce" ultimatum. We both know I really have nothing to gain from the move, I sacrifice my family and friends so she can see hers more often. I can't help but feel like second place, she can't help but feel like she's ruining my life. There's a barrier and we aren't as close as we were.
What I can't figure out is how to move on and accept it. It's far too late to change, she has a (much) better job waiting in the new city, we've paid for movers, next August it's 100 percent happening. And I have been in a funk for months about it. I can't figure out how to feel better myself, but I see she feels guilty too. She keeps wanting to offer up small sacrifices (like making dinner or doing one of my chores) to make up for it, I feel guilty and don't want to let her, or I let her and can tell she still feels guilty. It feels like we're both constantly sad all the time and I have no idea what either of us can do to mend it .
Tl;Dr - we are going to move and I'm miserable about missing my friends, job, hobby, and routine. My wife feels like shit because she was prepared to issue a "move or divorce" ultimatum and that's why we are moving. We both feel disconnected, sad, and not close.
(And to head off what I'm assuming will be some questions: no children, not will there ever be. Yes, we are fairly independent, twice a week we both spend time with our seperate people with sporadic days where one of us is out of the house most of the day. No, there isn't cheating, she just wants to be closer to her family and friends. Couples therapy would be wonderful, but the cost is a huge barrier and the waiting list would be significant regardless)