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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/VictoryMystery on 2024-01-19 10:51:54+00:00.
My brother-in-law (BIL) and his partner have only been “together” (as in attempting to live together in MIL house) for 2 years and have a 1 and 1/2 year old son together as well as his partners child (9F) from a previous relationship (all 4 live in MIL house). Their relationship is so toxic, it’s very clear that BIL wasn’t ready to have a family with her as they were hooking up casually and ended up with their son. BIL only refers to her as his partner/co-parent but she (the partner) fully believes that they are still in a romantic relationship. This misunderstanding is creating a toxic situation that both of the children and the rest of the family have to bear witness to constantly. Like they will scream and fight in front of the kids to where both children are crying. The partner constantly tries to involve the rest of the family in gossip about BIL which basically she just says how unhappy she is but refuses to leave because she “loves him”. BIL and her sleep in separate rooms. Every family party they are throwing gabs at eachother making everyone uncomfortable. Sometimes they will leave and go fight outside and we all have to sit in the house and pretend like we don’t hear it while the 9 yo child either begins to cry or seemingly dissociate as she just shuts down and doesn’t respond to anyone.
I, personally, want to intervene because it’s taking a negative toll on their children who I care very much for. Like for example, advise them separately that they should just stop trying to live together and co-parent normally. The rest of the family keeps telling me to “mind my own business” and how “it doesn’t affect you so why do you care” or “you and your husband don’t have kids so you don’t know the struggle”. I’m not sure how everyone can just sit there and pretend like these kids aren’t being put through it. Furthermore, if they are going to be arguing within earshot of everyone, I feel like they are making it everyone’s business. As well as the partner, who tries to call me to complain about their relationship (I’m the only female “in-law” so I think she believes it’s ok to involve to me as I’m not directly related to BIL). It’s gotten to a point where I have such a distaste in being around them that I ask the family not to invite me when they’re around but of course they will invite me and surprise they’re there. I just kind of don’t like being around people who I: 1) disapprove of their actions 2) can’t voice that opinion so we can somehow resolve it. I would rather just not be around them to avoid the mental stress on me and so I don’t “get involved in the business of parents” as everyone says.
TLDR: my BIL and his baby mama have a toxic relationship that is negatively affecting their kids and we all have to bear witness to it. Do I just put up with it? Distance myself? Or voice my issue to them?
Edit: spelling, there are probably more errors as I’m typing this on my phone which is lagging at 3am