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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/machiavellli on 2024-01-19 08:24:53+00:00.
Hi! Basically I’m 25F and currently living in California. My mom (56F) lives in Virginia, and my dad (55F) moved to Texas about two years ago when he got laid off from his job in Virginia and had to find a new one. They’re still married, and have been for about 28 years. They typically Facetime about every other day, but my dad is only able to visit a few times a year due to the constraints of his job. I also have a younger brother, who is 24M.
Something important to note is that my mom angers very easily, and can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know. She’s often very petty about it, and extremely stubborn. Growing up, we rarely got along and fought all the time. In my senior year of high school, she didn’t talk to me for 7 months because I didn’t get into the university she wanted for me, and we were living under the same roof. She’s oftentimes difficult to reason with, and even though there have been multiple times over the years where I’ve felt like she’s been in the wrong, she’s never once apologized for anything.
Around the holidays, my whole family went to Texas to visit my dad. I couldn’t stay the entire duration that my mom and brother did, and left early to return back to work. After I left, my parents got in a big fight. My dad’s getting old, and he was the main one driving during that trip and from what I heard, got lost a few times while unable to simultaneously drive and navigate. My mom got really really upset, because they also missed some key reservations because of it I think, and since flying home from that trip in early January hasn’t spoken to my dad since.
My dad’s tried to call and text her multiple times since then, but she’s never picked up or replied. My brother is still living at home, and sometimes when he calls my dad he’ll try to give the phone to my mom, but she refuses to talk. She has a history of doing this, and for the most part eventually my dad is able to break her down by forcing conversations in person, but it’s hard now that they’re long distance.
I know that my mom is overreacting, being dramatic, and generally a very toxic and immature person when it comes to conflict. It’s something I’ve accepted long ago and spent multiple sessions in therapy to deal with, but my dad doesn’t have the same experience that I have. When she used to do this to me when I was younger, my dad would tell me to just be the bigger person and apologize, because it’s just the way she is. He’s taking this very hard, and always seems incredibly sad when we call. I also know that it’s really bothering him because he talks to me about it, and we don’t normally talk about emotional stuff like this.
Individual faults and everything aside, what can I suggest for my dad to try to get through to my mom? Is there anything I can do directly to help? I hate seeing him like this. It’s hard for him to fly back and try to resolve this in person as well, because of work and the cost of the flight. I haven’t talked to my mom about this because my dad doesn’t want me to, as he says that it’d just make her more mad at him for getting me involved. She’s very dismissive of the situation anyway when my brother has tried to talk to her about it in the past. Also, what can I say to make him feel better about this?
TL;DR: Mom won’t talk to my dad after a petty fight 2.5 weeks ago, and he’s taking it really hard even though she has a history of being like this. They’re also long distance, so it makes it even harder to communicate. What else can he try to get her to talk to him? What can I say to make him feel better?