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The original was posted on /r/getmotivated by /u/Kozchey on 2023-12-26 06:58:46+00:00.
I am learning some tutorials for work with months delay because earlier in the year I had problems with alcohol... then I stopped drinking for good, but procrastinated some more because once you have already slept on something it has already become extra unpleasant to deal with, triggers anxiety, etc. I finally sat down to learn the stuff, but sometimes I get super anxious that I will fail, thinking what an idiot I am to put myself in this position, etc. and drink. Or I feel not good enough, empty or sad and drink again. Not killing myself with poison everyday like in the beginning of the year, but I drink once every few days, I have definitely broken my sobriety to pieces.
I feel as I am 34, male, no kids, issues with the job, no girlfriend (used to be good with this part, but I am still losing weight, and I am still a wreck, can't and don't need to handle a relationship at the moment) I am so late in life to fix it, I have been doing think shitty my whole life, can't runaway from the negative self talk. Even when I am sober, work out etc. I feel and can tell that I have high-functioning depression. Negative talk example: "What if you fail? You will fail this sweet job and try to find a new one AT 34?? Why did you bring yourself in this stupid situation? You will only waste more time" etc. A lot of childhood trauma from my father who beat up my family, growing up without a father figure, etc. I am sure these things have taken their toll on me...
I've got the post drinking depression and anxiety at the moment, I will now go to the spa and try to recover as much as possible and then come home and study. Can't work out as I spoiled this last night
PS a funny thing - I panicked yesterday because I smoked a little weed to numb out, but it seems that weed is bad for when I am already stressed out, although it used to calm me down