I hate myself. I want to erase myself with that poison. I want everyone who tries to abuse me and ask me for anything see no response, for I burned myself to death. I wait for some time when I would be just free, but whenever it comes, I'd just drink through it so I wouldn't even remember it. It feels like I had no free time at all, and here comes another morning, another Monday. I want to die.
I want to isolate myself from all this noise, these requests, these fucking routines. And alcohole helps me there. But then I have problems even waking up, a racing hearth, a bloody nose, these flashes in my already tired eyes. I feel like I pushed it too far, I eat vodka instead of a proper food, and it feeds into my generally bad acceptance of food.
I feel like it's nothing. I can race, I can growl, I can hate for whatever this diete of vodka and barely something can carry me for.
It makes me prepared to still work the job I hate. It makes me do work for people I love. It makes me not alone.
I feel embarassed by people around me, for they can smell that I've been drinking from me. In elevators, on the ladders and especially in the office space. Many of them are so kind to ignore it, but I know all of them know it. Even persons I don't know personally know I'm a drunk piece of shit.
I hate myself, why I'm even there? All I can think of is hate, Hate, HATE. But if I'm unfit to my job, where I can even find a job with that bad temper.
Honestly, I just want to drink myself to death, when I wouldn't care of all these things and my self-hatred.
I'm sorry for don't even remembering when we met the first time. Was it the time when I was drunk and felt so much loathe for myself I used lemmy as a shadow to train my fists against, or when I became sober, sad and empathetic, and tried to help someone with my thoughtd and ideas? I can't tell. But I hope, the third time would be different.
There's so much in your reply I can't process at once. I'd reread it. And I hope your words wouldn't be for nothing.
As far as I remember, it was neither. We shared back and forth a bit about mental health care in Russia and where I live in the US.
The main idea is that a lot of what you hate about yourself seems related to the alcohol. That's how it was for me. And that you have to try again when you fail.
I did go to AA at first and had a sponsor who told me, "Find what works for you, and keep doing it." What worked for me early on was keeping myself busy with hobbies.
Also, if you can't find AA where you're at, maybe you can find an online group, maybe a discord? In my experience, it doesn't have to be specifically focused on recovery, just a group of people who you can connect with who won't encourage you to drink. I personally had to get away from the people who were all about drinking and using.