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oh damn.
my dad, two years ago, let himself indulge in a little narcissistic guilt tripping and it was the last straw for me.
for context, he was abusive enough that my mom left him, and the guy she's married to now for like 30 years is a real piece of work. I was a bit much as a kid and got sent to live with him in the second grade. he hadn't improved. I left summer before 7th grade and he never seemed to improve, including a couple stints in jail for what I would blame on criminal narcissism.
ANYWAY
he still smokes. inside. a trailer. and when we went down for Christmas on Sunday, December 26, he was offended we didn't want to stay long or eat there. even though I told him we wouldn't be eating there and specifically scheduled it with my brother to be there too late for lunch and too early for breakfast.
I promise I'm getting to a point.
when he tried to guilt me about not having a Christmas meal, and not even seeing us on Christmas (Christmas is 12 days!), I let him know that I will not be manipulated by that shit, and when he can apologize (and articulate why he should apologize), we can try to have a relationship.
### he told my brother that I was the one with the problem, he wasn't going to apologize, he didn't know why I thought I deserved an apology, and he didn't need me.
### I said I would wait and I would outlive him.
he seems, lately, to be making some progress and he did apologize a year or so ago, but I honestly don't know if I'll ever really forgive him. he called like a dozen times crying and saying he didn't understand and saying "I'm sorry" but put in no effort to actually say what he did to be sorry about before he figured out what the fuck was going on and gave me an acceptable apology.
but the relationship is fucking damaged. he ignored my boundaries and feelings, tried to manipulate me, my wife, and my brother and his family, then acted like I was being unreasonably by sticking to my boundaries. and I still don't know if I believe he understands what I was upset about: I told him verbatim three or more times what a genuine apology would sound like and held his hand through putting the words together in the right order.
# so... I feel you