this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2023
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Are you ok? I know life hits hard sometimes and I get what you're saying, but that sounds like you're in a bit of a dark place right now.
I'm just some random internet idiot from Canada but if you need someone to vent to, I'd be happy to listen, as I'm sure many others would be. No judgement.
Just had my heart broken, she slept with another guy while I was helping my friend prepare his house for his sister (while she was being evacuated from a war zone). She suddenly blocked my number and when I finally bumped into her at the gym (two weeks later) she grinned when I said my feelings were hurt by that. I feel utterly emasculated, worthless and ugly, to the point I see something grotesque when I look in the mirror. It's really peculiar. Maybe it's okay, there wasn't much heart left to break.
Ah yup that would do it, she sounds like a real piece of work that one.
I dated a girl "J" for a few years once. She was pretty hot, we got along well, and I thought I was in love with her. I blew lots of money on her, and near the end even lent her enough money to buy a minivan that she had wanted to replace her shitty car with the deal being that she'd pay be back the money in installments when she could afford it. Then she tried ghosting me and refused to pay me anything. (I learned later that she started hanging around some other guy right after I loaned her the money.) Long story short, I was just a tool for her to use because I made good money at the time. ( I did eventually get most of my money back but it wasn't easy or nice.) It really hurt to get taken advantage of by someone who I loved and thought loved me back.
Now, many years later I realize I wasn't in love with her at all... I was only in love with who I thought she was. The flags were there, I was too dumb to pay attention to them. The real "J" didn't deserve the time of day from me, let alone all I did for her. To be honest it doesn't sound like this lady is worth your love either.
I just wanted somebody to love, I think. And she was very pretty. I was ready to pay half the fees for her Master's degree, I guess it's a good thing it didn't get that far but hard to see things that way at the moment.
For sure, it's hard to see clearly when your heart is broken. I was the same way. They say time heals all wounds, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way when you're depressed and sad. I stopped dating for several years after my ordeal just to try and get all my ducks in a row again and focused on myself. I knew it wasn't my fault but that didn't make me feel any better. Hell, I'm still a bit mad at myself for ignoring the signs and letting it get as far as it did.
I wish I could say that you will find the right one that will love you as much as you love her, but I'm no psychic. But what I do know is there are many women out there that have had the same experience you and I have had that are in, or have been in the same boat. They are not easy to find because they tend to withdraw from others just like I had. But they are out there, sometimes in the least expected places. And all they want is to be loved for who they are, just like you and me.
How did you get those ducks in a row? My life is not great, and I have a hard time creating opportunities for myself even though I'm an extremely hard worker.
Well, I guess whether I ever actually succeeded in getting them in a row would be a matter of opinion lol. I don't make nearly the kind of money I used to, in fact money is pretty tight the last little while for me. I was a hard worker too, always the first one to jump to get things done and everywhere I worked I was always getting raises and was the one to be trusted with getting things done. But then at one point I had a bad accident at work that didn't do me any favors in the least bit.
Between the accident and me getting older I'm not in great shape anymore. I get bad headaches, My back is shot, my right hand only has a limited range of motion, my knees are crap, my lungs are scarred, my kidneys hate me, blah blah blah.
So now I live out in the boonies near a tiny village of about 400 people with my oldest daughter who has cerebral palsy. My other daughter lives nearby about a half km away, and I spend most of my time helping them out and fixing their stuff, and trying to make friends with the local stray cats. Not where I expected to end up considering I've always been a hyper-active "go go go" type of person but that's ok... It's not much, but I'm happy with that for whatever time I have left.
Yeah, I was hospitalised with viral encephalitis ten years ago and made homeless while I was catatonic, since then I haven't really been able to get back into a good position although I did manage to get my MSc a couple of years ago. No career to speak of although people consider me a useful guy. It's a shame how these things happen.
That's life for you. All we can really do is make the best of the cards we've been dealt. But no matter how bad it gets, there's still millions of people who have gotten even worse than we could imagine.
I've had a lot of bad experiences and I've made my share of fuck ups along the way, but I also made a lot of good choices and had some good experiences too. There's some things I would have liked to change if I could start over, but overall it hasn't been too bad. All those experiences for good or bad made me who I am and made me really think about how I treat others around me and those that I care about.