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Imo, defederation isn't the exile sentence everyone is making out to be. It is used like you said as a bandaid as a moderation tool, but really just about "anyone" can boot up an instance and have complete agency on which Instances are visible.
I'd be more concerned if all the big instances ganged up together to form a whitelist club, but this this is a more complex discussion, and there is no sign of it happenning.
You'd still be able to join the instances directly, or join an instance that doesn't follow the big "whitelist club".
Right now instances are already split across some lines, and you need accounts on an instance of a certain "group" in order to access the content from those instances... and that's a feature, not a bug.
There's already shared bannlists in the works.