Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Fudge_9250 on 2023-08-19 02:27:14+00:00.

Sorry for any errors, I'm on mobile and my brain is too friend to be good at writing right now.

Tw: mentions of suicidality, probably weird friendship chaos? I don't know sorry.

Ive been suicidal since I was 12 and can usually manage it, but my mental health crashed aggressively last term and I was planning on killing myself over the holidays so I didn't reach out to anyone, including two older friends I was supposed to support through a very bad breakup, thinking it would hurt them more if I talked to them and died the day after. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that because my mother made it clear that if I died the private school I have a scholarship to would force her to pay $150 000 in school fees back to her and I'm not ruining the family financially. Though my friend who is also on a scholarship with the same contract says that wasnt in it so i have nonclue what's happening hut dont want to risk it. Still, I worry that won't stop me, and I don't want to intrude back into the lives of the friends if I'm just gonna come in with my armada of baggage and the constant possibility of dying. However, simultaneously my brain is screaming at me that I'm abandoning them, that I'm being awful by not being there for them, that my absence is hurting them because I'm not supporting them right now when that's my job in life.

Getting professional help is kinda not in the cards, last time the family found out I was suicidal was when I was 14 and I got shunned by everyone around me, ignored for 2 days and driven to the psych ward so they could tell the school I can go back to school as soon as possible so "my marks don't fall". Also the school psychologist is notoriously shit, as in "tell everyone's problems at assembly while feigning anonymity by not using their names but leaving enough identifiable details to know who they are" type of shit.

I also have complicates feelings about trusting the friends that are making this worse. Long story short, I used to be very close to a girl, to the point where her family was willing to foster me if anything went haywire at my place, but I fucked up asking her to stop outing me as ftm trans (family doesnt know, they would react BADLY) in front of transphobes and people I didn't feel ok being out to and she ended up turning everyone against me. A mutual friend I can't ditch because we are two of the three Ukrainian diaspora in the cohort told me "look, her feelings are more important than your 'gender crisis' " and blames me for the entire thing which at this point I'm inclined to believe. The mutual friend also has a tendency to randomly blow up and get pissed at me for reasons I can't get (like me zoning out in her direction in class) and the act completely aok the next second. Because of this and prior trust issues I don't know whether my friends not affiliated with them are gonna turn on me or no, making this shit harder.

If you want, I could expand on the older friends breakup, I just don't have the sanity right now to deal with the feelings it brings back surrounding my brother's suicide attempt.

Yeah I don't know what to do, some help would be nice.

Tldr: Have been suicidal since 12, had an episode where I was planning on doing it and cut contact with everyone thinking it would hurt them. Didn't pan out because family shit. Don't know whether to get in contact with them right now, considering my liability and problems, yet also feel very guilty for not being able to support them and feel like trash about it. I also have complicated trust issues surrounding past friendship breakdowns, leading me to not be able to trust people well. Tips/help would be nice.