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A conspiracy theorist gets into heaven, somehow (self.jokes)

submitted 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) by Susaga to c/[email protected]

8 comments fedilink hide all child comments

As they go inside, God himself appears and says "my child, you have lived your life seeking answers, as misguided as your searching has been. Worry not. You are safe here, and I am ready to answer any questions you might have with perfect, absolute truth."

"I understand. I suppose I have one question that sits in my mind the most, and would bring me the greatest relief to finally hear the answer. My lord... Is the earth flat?"

God shakes his head. "No, it is not flat. It is a globe."

"Holy shit, they got you too? How high does this thing go?!"

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[–] [email protected] 35 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

There's an old joke I can barely remember about how a conspiracy theorist went hunting. He thought there was a moose in his living room, so he set up traps, built a blind in the corner behind the couch, and sprayed moose urine all over the carpet.

His wife was angry about the destruction of their living room, and yelled at him. "You idiot, there are no moose in the house. Moose live in the woods!"

"What do you know? I did my research, I know where the moose is. Leave me alone."

Desperate, his wife made a phone call. A little while later, there was a knock at the door. It was a group of hunters. "Your wife called us, she's very persuasive. We're here to show you where the moose is. It's out in the woods. There are no moose in your house."

"Ha, that's just what you want me to think! You want to kill the moose yourselves. I did my research. Go away!"

The wife makes another phone call, and there's another knock at the door. It's a team of biologists. "Your wife called us, she's very persuasive. We're here to show you moose research on migration patterns and habitats and real-time satellite images showing you exactly where the moose are right now, out in the woods."

"That's what you want me to think! You 'experts' don't want me to prove you wrong because you're getting rich off big moose biology grant money. I did my research. Go away!"

The wife, now truly desperate, makes one last phone call. There's a knock at the door. It's a moose.

The moose said, "Look, man, your wife called-" BANG!

"I fucking told you! Didn't I, Helen?"