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How would you explain to a date that you have an abusive family and you're the only sane person? (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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As far as I know, the current culture around dating/relationships includes meeting your SO's family and letting them meet yours. And probably sometime on the first few dates, at least asking about family. Problem is, my family is batshit insane.

My parents are in an abusive relationship and constantly scream at each other
My father is a violent abuser who avoids talking to people because he can't even pretend to be sane
I had to raise myself because most of their advice was hateful trash; they tried to raise me into a bigoted loner asshole who only cares about himself and ties his self-worth to pretending he's better than everyone else
My brother is an emotionally volatile gun owner in a relationship with an insane psycho who abused her cat to death
They all believe that people who are different should be suppressed or purged from society because God or something

I think at this point, my family may be too dangerous to maintain ties to at all. I really wish I could burn it all down and start over, but I might not be so lucky due to my fledgling financial situation.

Ridding myself of my family's influence has been a decade-long project that I've been working hard on, and I gotta say, "Your parents raised you well" has got to be my least favorite compliment.

Jokes aside, I'm interested in hearing about experiences from others in similar situations. How did you talk about it?

I feel like this is an unavoidable red flag either way for a lot of people (After all, how would anyone know that I'm as sane as I claim to be?), but I'd still like to find the least horrible way to talk about it without lying.

Thanks!

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 days ago

This will depend on how long you have been dating someone. On a first or second date or whenever it is first mentioned don't drop everything at once. Say something simple or innocuous that is true but not a full detail. Say something like "My family and I are not close because we don't have the same values" or "My family and I are not close because they drive me a little nuts and we don't have to get into it now" or "I am moving towards non-contact with my family". What you want to show is that early in the relationships you can show good judgement to whoever you are dating and don't trauma dump about your crazy family all at once.

As you date someone more you can show who you are. You can demonstrate through your actions that are a normal person and don't follow your family dynamics. This also shows that you understand what is and what is not appropriate for first dates. From there slowly roll it out doing a high level summary like you gave above. From there just tell stories as they seem appropriate. So its going to be a full disclosure but won't be full disclosure right away

My wife has a pretty crazy mom and dad. She did something similar where she first talked through their contentious divorce and then more details as we were together. Her story is a little different because her family isn't as nuts as yours and she didn't realize how toxic they were until she did lots of therapy while we were dating. So we are now reframing her quirky childhood stories and two crazy people making each other as miserable as possible and the trauma that caused. So a slow roll is what is needed.

Also note we are all messed up so you are not the only one.