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dear introverts, what can I answer to a needy and clingy coworker who believes not talking means something's wrong (with me), so he leaves me alone? (programming.dev)

submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.

Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses's Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything's ok. I don't care about this person's life.

The first 2 times I didn't think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it's becoming tiring.

I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don't ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.

going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I'm starting to hate his voice.

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

First off, I’m am not seeing really great communication skills coming from your end in your story here.

he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life

This is predicting. Or do you actually know he thinks this? The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative. Unless he came out and actually said this, private information isn’t necessarily an unspoken agreed upon trade. And if it was that would be a fault on his side.

And Just to get it out of the way: Introvert isn’t where you don’t want to socialize. It’s just a personality trait in how you recharge with or without socializing. Typical introvert would not avoid socializing altogether. They’d socialize and then excuse themselves for a time being. This is of course with healthy preferences of who to socialize with like any average person could have and that is perfectly fine but that isn’t a trait of what makes a person introvert or extrovert. That’s just having standards.

Either way, this just sounds like you have made a choice that this person isn’t for you and you have some unspoken boundaries and expect someone to know your boundaries without telling them. Even if you think you are being clear with social queues this might be a case of miscommunication of what a social queue is for you and what he reads communication(possible) . But I wouldn’t leave that to assumption.

People aren’t mind readers so of it is bothering you this much you could tell him like several others are suggesting.

after that if he doesn’t let up, see HR as that would be harassment at that point.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative.

kinda disagree:

I'm the quiet one and most extroverts where I work at find that offensive. they feel offended because I don't ask them about their lives, lives I don't care about. I've told 3 coworkers already that I don't talk to them because I have to work and they react aggressively and feel offended, fully convinced I don't talk to them because I hate them.

But keep not doing their jobs, meaning I have to do my job and theirs while they keep talking.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

I don’t care about

I’ve told 3 coworkers already that I don’t talk to them

Ok so now you’re adding more information here. 3 people. this sounds less about just having some standards and more of a pattern emerging here.

What you are describing is more in line with how an APD thinks and behaves and not just a mere introvert trait.

The introversion trait isn’t attached to aversion. It’s based on personal need. No one trait needs to be rude and throw all politeness out the window. That’s bigger than a mere trait. People with introvert trait (without comorbidity) can actually talk to people and have a social ability even at work and they do not shy away from socializing full stop. They take periodic breaks based on need.

they feel offended

Again: that’s predictive.

Something doesn’t compute here. Unless you’ve misplaced yourself into a customer based industry and you’re just not a people person: Having a mere trait doesn’t end up with a collection of people aggressive at work. Nor would it be so attached to aversion and delivering hostile narrative on what other people must be thinking.

There is a proper way to break a conversation without having to be abrupt about not wanting to talk. Simply having a trait doesn’t rule over basic common decency.

You sound like you have something else going on aside from just the introvert trait.