United States | News & Politics

I, officially, declare myself as grand-emperor of the US. I declare, officially, that all dissenters shall be silenced. I declare, using official declaration of course, that all those richer than I owe me 100% of their assets for the rest of eternity. I officially decree that no government official, except for myself, can leave their building of work, can excuse themselves from their position, and cannot access the Internet, watch television, listen to radio broadcasts, or read books of any kind. And they have to bring their own lunches every day. Breaking any rule is punishable by exile to the Mariana trench. Exiles will be given one submersible operated by a Logitech gamepad. Making all of these rules officially of course, wouldn't want them to be criminal acts.